White Dog Turds and Boogers

OK I have a question for you.  Two questions actually.  Both disturbing but then again so am I but when a guys got something on his mind he has got to roll with it or it drives him nuts.  What did I ever do without google.  So I'm gonna ask these questions and then maybe tomorrow I will google the answers and find out if my dear readers don't answer it for me.  That would be Bruce and Larry.  At least they are the only people who actually comment anymore.

Question # 1--  Why don't you ever see white dog poop anymore?
When I was a kid (30 yrs ago) I used to see that crap laying everywhere.  Even then I wondered why it was white.  I remember an old story about white dog poo.  There was a girl who lived across the street from us back when I was in about 5th grade or so.  Her name was Angie W. (I won't disclose last names because somewhere, someone else is probably disclosing mine)   Anyways, Angie W. came over looking for my sister.  She knocked on the door and my step mom opened the door and lo and behold there was Angie W. chewing,  yes chewing , on a white chunk of dog turd.  I don't know why.  I don't know what it tasted like but I can fathom that if you mixed lips and assholes (hot dogs) and chalk and then let it rot and sunbake it for 30 days you would have your answer.
That story has stuck with me ever since then. 
Angie W. and the white dog turd by JW Bushman.  A story that will move you to tears and probably vomit.  Yeah your right probably shouldn't try and write that one.
So in your spare time think about it.  Go out in your yard and see if you can find a white dog turd.  If you do I would love a picture.  Just e-mail me at bushmanjeffrey@yahoo.com.  I need something to pair with my Walmart photos.  You know what?  I bet somewhere in the recess' of this stupid computer I have a picture of Angie W. shopping at Walmart.  Maybe looking for a pooper scooper?  By now she's old enough to possibly have some back problems and it would be difficult for her to bend over and pick them up.  A pooper scooper from Walmart it is.  Done!

Question #2
What in the Sam hell are boogers made of?
I know this is gross but seriously can something that huge, slimy and chunky actually inhabit your nostrils?
From time to time I do a little nose spelunking and today I came across a pot of gold in the world of...well you get the point.  I stared at it for a good while.  I didn' see any dirt.  I didn't see any firetrucks. (They say whatever stuff you work around always ends up your nose because you breathe it)  It certainly wasn't a white dog turd.  More like an alien placenta!  (I've only had one and a half beers at this point)
So you tell me.  What a crazy thing, boogers.  Also to the guy at work who thinks it's funny to wipe boogers all over the wall and in the toilet area.....FUCK YOU!!!!  Disgusting trash bitch!  We always have visitors at work.  Fire companies from all over the world tour our plant and check our stuff out.  Apparently even our boogers.  Enough about boogers.  Well one more thing.  Say boogers.  Say it again.  If you say it one more time you will be smiling.  It's a kid word and kid word make you smile.  Sort of like stinky doo doo head.

Last but not least it looks like the bank is going to pay for the new septic.  Nothing is set in stone but they are pulling permits so that tells me something.  Until next time my friends, keep smiling and keep it Simple

Think what this guy is pulling out.  Maybe a Buick?

Sunday Salutations and the Seasonal Death of My Beer!

A friend stopped by for coffee yesterday.  It was nice to see him.  We used to hang out a lot.  Of course that was back in my heavy drinking days and it seems as though that was the connective tissue that bound us together.  A year long sabbatical from any sort of alcohol has allowed those collagens to break down and the friendship sort of just fizzled.  Unfortunate yes but shit happens right? 
I shot him a text the other day and he said he'd like to come by so he did.  It was a short visit but pleasant none the less.  Turns out he just bought a new lawn tractor from a guy who badly needed some cash  (not too hard to find around these parts) and told me if I wanted I could use his older mower for the new house.
I jumped at the chance.  All I have is a 22 inch push mower and that doesn't bode well for me and an acre of lawn.  Not to mention the mower is about ten years old.  Anyways I was pretty happy that our roots had run deep enough that he still thought of me when it came to the mower.  I told him we'll get together for a beer soon.  My sabbatical has been over nearly a year now.  I'll let you surmise your own reasons.

Speaking of beer, our local grocery seems to not be carrying my beer anymore.  So I was forced into an alternative.  I purchased a box of Sierra Nevada Glissade.  It is a golden bock with a sprig of European hops.  Not bad.  Extremely mellow without the wicked bitterness of too much hops.  That seems to be the big thing these days.  Over hopped beer.  Some of that stuff will downright sizzle the hair off your tongue. 
I tried this stuff called Diabolical over the winter.  It was an IPA and holy moley.  Getting off the subject here.  I ventured a trip to Walmart and you all know of my infatuation with Walmart.  I just had to check and see if they were still carrying the 1888 Bock.  I found four 6 packs.  Problem was they were refrigerated.  With the temps slowly coming up the only place to store them was actually in the fridge.  No room!  So I had to let them sit.
Perhaps I could write the Leinenkugels Brewery  in Chippewa Falls Wisconsin and beg them too keep brewing this particular beer.  Couldn't hurt.  Seems as though it's a January through March brew time so I may have to wait.

Enough of beer (for now).  I also took down all the fence panels  I had around the garden.  Hauled them into the shop and made any necessary repairs.  They will also be travelling with me to new adventures.  I put too much time and effort in building them to leave them here. 

Picked up a couple movies from the rental place.  Momma rented "ARN" which was a Knights Templar, crusades, love story with subtitles in 3 languages and 3 hours long.  Yuck.  She also picked up "Due Date" which was pretty funny.  I told her we needed to go to bed early cuz it would take me about 35 minutes to fall asleep. (have to watch the movie to understand that one)  I picked out "Frozen" supposedly a very scary flick and last but not least "Jack Ass 3" which momma will not watch with me.  The latter 2 have not been viewed yet.

And so ends my weekend.  Today being Sunday will be spent doing nothing more than grocery shopping, watching the last 2 movies and ...............any suggestions?

Oh and I almost forgot while I was at Walmart I met this nice lady..man..thing!!

FREE HUGS!!!!!!!!!!!

Hello....Hello....can you hear me?   Is anyone still there?   I found a set of old batteries that may give me enough juice for one more post.  It seems like blogger block has inflicted more than just me.
My last post was over a week ago.  So here is what has occurred while I was away from computer land.

1.  Mainly just working my ass off and fighting with the supervisors, engineers and fellow associates.
     (don't worry that is a typical day where I work)
2.  Our beautiful spring weather took flight and headed back south.
      (can you blame it? It so bad up here the weather can't afford to stay )
3.  Discovered that my new favorite beer is a limited time only deal
     (need to find money and storage to stock up)
4.  Created blueberry and cream cheese crepe' addicts out of my family
     ( I was bored and tried a new desert, now I get hounded to make it)
5.  Appraisal completed on new house...in other words it's worth it!
     ( everything is good just need to scrape and paint a few spots on the exterior door trim)
6.  Well and septic inspection performed on Monday.
     ( The only way it could have failed worse would have been to have a shit volcano erupting from the
        backyard)

I suppose that is about the extent of this miserable week.  It's amazing how just a couple days of warm weather can make a spirit soar.  It's also amazing that the maximum rate of decent does not apply to spirits that have soared.  They can hit rock bottom in a nanosecond. 
As far as the septic goes I took off a couple hours of work to be there with the inspector.  He made his rounds through the house (he turned on all the faucets and let them run as soon as he got there) commenting on this and that and in general everything was going quite well.  Then we went outside.  Within minutes and a few pokes of his "magic" stick he had found the septic tank and the connecting drain field.  We discovered that it was an entire bed of gravel and not just your standard trench system septic field.  The field stretched about 50x60 ft.  Pretty good size.  I was impressed.  This guy knew everything about septic systems.  He explained the what and whys of the poo disposal business and I was impressed.
Then we moved to the center of the drain field about 30-35 minutes into his visit.  Water running the whole time.  He whips out his little core sample doohickey and proceeds to drill into the lawn.  First 6 inches---nice topsoil.  2nd 6 inches---a little wet.  The third time he sticks his coring machine into the soil he moves it up and down and I can hear the slosh slosh noise it's making and my heart sinks.  He looks at me and says
Uh Oh!  Pulls the corer out and the hole begins to fill with water.  Uh Oh sphagettios up my ass stick a garden hose you miserable little cocksucker face!!!!!!!!!!!FUCK ME RUNNING!!!!!!!!!
I was days from closing people.  Days, not weeks.  Now I have to wait for the selling bank to tell me they will fix the system.  Fix means an entire new raised bed septic system for the tune of about 15-25thousand dollars.  Not only that but they have to escrow 1.5x the amount of the accepted bid so I can close.  They can't put the system in until around June.  If they escrow the account I can close and limp the current system until then.  The kicker is they can't sell the house without a pass on the well and septic.  (law)  Problem is they might want me to pay for part of it.  Not gonna happen.  I believe I have offered top dollar for this home and to put that kind of money into it plus the costs of the remodeling I want to do would put the house out of sellable range which means I have spent more on the house then I will ever get out of it.  Not that I want to sell it but I don't want to put 150K into a house that would only sell for 130K.  So now we wait!
I am not good at waiting.  I am not good at patience.  I am not good at sitting around and waiting for this freaking winter to subside. 
Don't get me wrong I'm not crying in my beer.....no fuck that I am crying in my beer.  Only because it's a limited time only beer.  Truthfully I am frustrated as Chelsea Clinton in a beauty contest.  It's been a long hard road to buy a house.  I understand shit happens and in the end everything will work out but as I mentioned above I'm getting pretty sick and tired of being patient and smiling while I get slapped in the face with a big 'ol dirty dick! 
This is why beer was invented.  Just 4 or 5 Leinenkugel 1888 Bocks and I start to think that everything will be fine again.  Yeah I know what that leads to.  Duhhh I'm married.  I don't need the little guys on my shoulder I have a wife that assumes that role!
So anyways don't expect a whole lot from me for awhile.  Just not feeling it right now.  I'll be back, who knows in what frame of mind but I'll be back.

In the meantime I have set up shop and will be handing out some free therapy to anyone who might need a hug. 

Fart Now Loading and Thirsty Thursday!!

Hello and welcome to Thirsty Thursday!
40 hours of work finished and now it's time to celebrate the warm weather.  65 degrees.  It's better than a Christmas present.  Nothing lifts a spirit more this time of year as when the temps soar to the balmy 60s.
Thank You, Thank You, Thank You, is all I can say.  Now on to more pressing issues.

..................................Shit I don't have any.  Duhhh it's a Simple Life.  Hello.  So this Thursday brings with it not only warm weather but a nice roast with carrots and taters, that has been in the slow cooker for 12 hours now.  Along with the already finished dinner I have an accomplice who's name is Leinenkugel.  Red Lager for short (or long).  6 of them all nice and tasty hiding underneath that bottle cap.  My favorite is the 1888 Bock but they didn't have that at the wimpy, stupid store.  I went to the little store not the big one so that's what I get for being lazy.  I don't care what you say.  Beer is not just beer.  OK   Given the choice what would you drink.  A natural light or a Killian's?  Ugh I can't believe I just let Natural light into my blog.  Sorry! 
I used to be a quantity drinker.  24 Miller Lites please.  Now it's more like 6 Leinies please.
Anyways enough about beer.  Beer is like an opinion.  Too many and they all need to be heard or drank!!

House update........well and septic inspection is Monday.  I plan to take an hour off work to be there so I can see everything they do and put in my 3 cents.  That will take a week for the report to get back to the bank so....about a week from Monday I should get a hard closing date.  I'm so freaking excited I can't stand it.  So far I have my garden spot picked out, my lawn tractor and cart picked out, paint colors, cabinets, counter tops, tile, carpet, patio, pergola, water feature, fire feature, flowers, shrubs, trees, snow blower and 376 other things already picked out.  Now I just need someone to buy them for me.  Its just killing me right now especially with the nice weather.  I don't want to do anything here , I want to do it there but I can't.

OK enough for now but I stopped at Wal Mart the other day to look for something and I seen......this!

As I was choking on my frozen coke I turned my head and lo and behold!

That was enough.  I got the hell out of there.  I was scared.  Really scared.

Dream Kitchens and Mole Tunnels

You know I was thinking the other day.....yeah you're right who am I kidding.  No actually I was.  That was that wood smoke smell you noticed on Wednesday. 
Just about every blog has a theme or at least a pattern it follows.  Mine doesn't really have any structure.  Perhaps it's more of a journal then anything.  I sort of like being able to sit down and just type anything I want to.  No restraints or deadlines.  I don't come home from work and say damn I need to get a blog out cuz people are waiting on me.  So I guess I'll just keep it that way.  I have been thinking about starting a new blog with a different title and address.  Starting fresh maybe.  Once I move I think I will. 
I think I will title it,"Holy Cow there is Something Wrong with that Guy!"  That's what my wife tells me all the time.  Your just not right.  I hear it day in and day out.  I bet if you asked her though she wouldn't change it for anything.  I'm just different than most. 
We went out to the new house yesterday.  I wanted to check the yard and roof and get a couple measurements.  Everything looks pretty good.  Except the moles.  Tons of tunnels everywhere in the yard.  I don't think that the previous owners were outdoor people.  There are zero planting beds, the grass is full of weeds and the pruning of bushes and trees is non existent at best.  I get a clean slate to work with. 
The bank was supposed to put propane in the tank so I could test the furnace and water heater so I checked the tank while I was there.  It was reading 30%.  I think the minimum fill is 250 gallons so that would be more than 30%.  There was some in there though so I fired up the furnace and it works just fine.  I'll have to wait for them to de-winterize the plumbing before I can test the water heater and all the plumbing.  I would think it would be this week.  Here is a better picture of the fireplace

This is real stone not cultured.  It also has a blower built in and in working condition.

Of course the carpet is shot but this is the only room with bad carpet.  The others look new.  The wainscoting is nice and needs minimal repair.  One scratched spot.  The wall paper needs to go and so does that floor tile.  Their is also a big bay window to the right but it should have been a set of French doors or a sliding glass door because there is a deck right there but you have to go out the back door and all the way to the other side of the deck to reach the stairs.  I don't know what they were thinking.  I can't just simply remove the bay window and add doors because it is a build out and has a small roof covering it.  So it's a major remodeling task.  I may have to wait and rip off the build out and the roof and re-side the exterior.

I would also like to get rid of the deck and have a big paver patio with a pergola built over the top.  Garden walls that double as seating area and a little fire feature.  I'm just glad that the house is pretty much up to par.

We need a little bathroom work in the main bath.  They have two pedestal sinks and I would like a double sink vanity.  More storage is my thought.  New tile floor with heat will be nice.  The half bath might have enough room for a stand up shower or I can always put a shower room in the basement.

The biggest expense on the inside will be the kitchen.  Some walls need to be removed/cut back.

I want it to be open to the other two rooms.  New cabinets and appliances.  A nice tile or wood floor.  My big thing is a three tiered island.  It will have a cook top with down draft venting, a raised bar seating area and a lower table area.  Preferably with a nice stone counter top of sorts.  I really like the Tuscan theme.  The colors are warm and rich and just lend themselves to a kitchen environment.  Being able to see the fire crackling in the stone fireplace while your dining or having a glass of wine at the bar top will also be nice.

As far as a formal dining room?  Not sure.  We don't really use one now but we'll see.

Here is the kitchen. To the left is the "formal" living room.  To the right is the entry way to the fireplace living room.  That wall would be cut back to the cabinet.  There is a window over the sink that looks into the breezeway and ultimately the garage.  That will go bye bye and cabinets will fill the void.  With an island in the middle I can fill in the spot for the range.

Also a buffet or china cabinet on the opposing wall (dining room) will allow more storage space. 

Another option would be to combine the "formal" living room and the kitchen to create an enormous kitchen and dining room.  I think I like this idea better.  Who needs 2 living rooms anyways?

Hmmmm.  I think I need to do some more figuring. :)  Dream kitchen here I come!!!

More packing and some brick pavers!

Well here we are again.  I missed you yesterday.  I got busy searching and reading things on the internet.  Then momma called and sent me on a wild goose chase for a receipt (I was supposed to save) from May or June of last year.  So I pulled out the dump (where we keep all our records, receipts, insurance,etc..)
and went through it one piece of paper at a time.  After about 2 hours I found it......was not there!  I did manage to purge the vault though.  I don't think we need stuff from 2003.  Well I hope not anyways cuz it's going in the wood burner today.
Then I had breakfast and started packing.  I'm starting to get good at it.  I told momma I was able to fit all the good candle holders, vases and fragile stuff in one box.  She asked me how with that "oh no" quivering in the background of her voice.  I said simply smash them all on the floor, sweep it up and dump it in the box with a bottle of super glue.  Not only do we have less boxes to move we have a new puzzle to do when we get to the new house.  See I am a genius.  Now on to the pictures!
Yesterday I managed to finish packing the living room, dining room, kitchen decorations and things we won't be using in the next couple weeks, bathroom "extras", the stuff in the dog kennel room, the stuff in the hunting/outdoor room, all the home office extras.   It's a box jungle around here!
The snow has all melted away and one look at the back yard sends shivers down my spine.  I need a dump truck to hold a winters worth of dog poo.  Yuck!!!  We had so much snow this year that the yard was only cleaned up once.  That was done by baby Joe Joe and he filled two 5 gallon buckets full.  That was months ago.  Too bad he is at his dad and step moms hose this weekend.  Maybe I should wait.  Nahhh.
Other than that not much going on here.  We plan on going over to the house today to take a look at the yard and the roof now that the snow is melted.  Get a head start on ideas and plans.  Did I ever tell you I used to be a professional landscaper.  Most people are not in love with their job.  I used to be.  I love flowers, plants, bushes and trees.  I love brick pavers and flagstone.  Water gardens and mulch.
I spent most of my working life in somebodies yard.  Not to toot my own horn but I was pretty damn good at it.  Now I get to do it for myself.  I could have done it here at the rental house but why spend all that money on someone elses house.  Not like you can take it with you when you move. 
I moved in here because I happened to be landscaping my current landlords house back then.  It was being built and he was still living in this house.  He had a beautiful yard for landscaping.  I put in a huge waterfall and pond, patios, sidewalks, retention walls, planting beds.  It was stunning.  I'll see if I can dig up some pics.
I won't be able to do that on my house but it will still be pretty. 

This is all I have saved in my computer.  The big patio and sidewalk were connected by granite outcropping steps and the giant waterfall ran along side of it down the steep hill and crashed into the pond which is located right next to the patio now.

That's all for now!

Many Stuffs and a Bit of Poetry

I have a lot of shit!!
Yes in my head too but mainly in my house.  When I say I... that refers to myself and my wife and kids.  My stuff is meaningful, precious and mostly used. (at least once a year).  Their stuff is well........excessive maybe?  Or bulky? Or....face it people they have a lot of shit too.  Yes we are moving and moving consists of boxes.
I have a lot of boxes too.  I have to admit I do have many stuffs.  When I met my wife I moved into her apartment.  Everything I owned fit into a Ford Ranger.  That equates to 2 tacos, a guitar and a box of business records, (the government says I need these for a few years) and I think there was some clothes in there too.  Not sure though, back then we were mostly naked. :)  Ahh memories!!!!

When we moved from there to a little house in the city limits she pulled the most stuff from a 2 bedroom 3rd floor apartment I have ever seen in my life.  We made multiple trips with a moving truck and a pick up.
I still believe to this day she was a bit of a magician and had a superior cloaking device for that apartment.  When we moved from that house to this house it was quick and didn't seem so bad.  We've been here going on 6 years and holy shit!  I need a semi truck now.  Just my cooking stuff alone would fill up a pick up truck.  May need a trailer on that truck too.  Hunting stuff?  2 trucks.  Gardening yard/work stuff?  Another truck please!!
Woodworking stuff?  keep 'em coming people.
Hey don't forget about the duck boat and the camper!  Through it all I am starting to enjoy it though.
House hunting has been a pretty negative experience with us and now I think it's finally turned for the better.

So I say pack your boxes and wrap your cups,
Change your address and fence in the pups.

Paint the walls and change the tile
The fireplace will surely bring a smile.

Parking in the garage stall
Raking leaves in the fall
On a ladder fixing shutters
Or Christmas lights on the gutters

Mowing grass
washing glass
picking weeds
simple needs.

These are the things that truly make A Simple Life!!!!

I bid you good night and farewell.  No overtime tomorrow so it's a date.  I'll bring the coffee you bring the reading glasses!

I think that should just about do it.  I got a lot of beer to buy though!

And the most important part of moving is.......

Politics, Weather and Fu%&in the Duck!!

Well hello there!  How ya been?  Can I get you a soda? (in the voice of Stewie from family guy)

No really cartoon voices imitated in type just don't have the same jive as they do live.  Yeah Disco Stu says Jive baby Jive!  Dammit I did it again. 

OK I'm gonna start over.  Here is what's raving at work and around town here in this booming  metropolis of Charlotte Mi. ( at least in the confines of my small world )

Supreme court passes law allowing protesters to keep protesting at the funerals of our fallen soldiers.
Yes it sounds terrible.  Do I agree with the protesters?  Absolutely not.  Do I agree with the supreme court?
Absolutely!  The right to free speech is one of the building blocks of this country.  If they take away those people's right to demonstrate then what next?  Slowly but surely they will vaporize all of our rights and we'll just be called North Kormerica or Chinamerica.  It's true.  Think about it.  Our country allows us the freedoms to almost do as we please.  We are also expected to use good judgement and keep our morals intact.  This is the price we must pay to keep these rights.  Not everyone has these qualities (above mentioned protesters) it is our duty as fellow Americans to show our discontent and find other ways to deter these events.  We have the ability to identify every individual involved and utilize our other given rights to subdue their unpatriotic actions.  Boycotting these peoples work forces would work well.  Not allowing them in your stores works well.  Beating their ass works well.  Wait that goes against what I just said.  (do it in private)
What I'm saying is what is good for the goose is good for the gander.  Keep that in mind when your ready to start stripping rights.  You can not individualize certain rights. 

Next in line is this crazy f--in weather.  Everyone talks about weather but here in a nutshell:
Two big snowstorms back to back.
Then 10 degrees
Then rain and 40
then freezing rain and 30
some more snow
rain again and 40
and then going back tot he single digits next week.
Fuck me running what did I ever do to you Mother Nature.   Bitch!

Finally for this rainy, sleety warmish cold day.  I have an accepted offer on a house.  Can you believe it?
It's in the country, it's 3 bedrooms, it has a fireplace, attached garage, property, built  in the 70s.
It is NOT in a flood zone, it does NOT have a waterfall in the basement, it has NOT been stole by another bidder.  We meet today to sign the contract and hand over the deposit.  Next in line is inspections and appraisals.  It's in the hands of the bank now.  Although with my history of home searching the house will probably not qualify due to the fact that FHA only allows 10 crows per square mile and this area actually has 12 crows.  Yeah if it's out there I'll find it.  My fingers are crossed!!!!!!!!!!!

Go fuck a duck!!