If you want to increase your success rate, double your failure rate.

Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Z is for laZy

Here we are at the end of our journey.  The last day of April and the last letter of the alphabet.
I remember last year at the end of the trip I swore I wasn't doing it again.  Then this year came.  I don't mind posting everyday.  It always seems like your going to force it until you sit down and start ripping away at the keyboard. 
I don't spend anytime researching topics (as you can tell) I just let them come to me.  Sometimes they don't.  Those are the really long posts.  I have to keep jabbering away until the link makes itself known.

I love poetry.  I could do everything as a poem, a limerick or jingle!  You should here my pops when he starts in on his limericks.  He has a never ending supply.  It makes me laugh.  I really need to write them down so I can tell my grand kids when they are at deer camp!
Some I remember the beginning but not the end.  For instance when someone says the word "what" you reply,
" What, What chicken butt, two bits a pound, rolled round, wanna buy some?"  There is more butt I never remember.

"The man from Nantucket"
"Susie Q pulled out a few"
"Little Jack Horner"  (the perverted version)

The list goes on and on.

I'm only rambling right now because I'm having difficulty with a Z word popping into this post.
I would keep typing away but you know this is the last day and I'm getting pretty laZy.

How's that?  I cheat!

I'm outta here!  See ya in a week or a day or whenever I feel like posting some more nonsense.
Cheers to all the A to Zer's that made it through.

Later
-Bushman

Sunday, April 28, 2013

Y is for the way Grandma answers the phone

If you were to ever call my Grandma she would answer the phone the same way.  Even if you called 50 times it would always be, "Yellow".  Draw the Y out a little bit and you got it!


I love the color Y especially when it's mixed with some ellow.

Flowers are my favorite!

This year I will have some pineapple tomatoes in the garden and they are yellow when ripe.


Yellow chics are good, especially with BBQ sauce (oh yes I did)


Have you ever heard of blue balls?  Well apparently there are yellow ones too!



I'm so bright my Dad calls me son!


Sometimes I get these from my wife when I drink too many beers.


And sometimes yellow dogs swim in green pools with brown dogs

Of course there is a reason why rain coats are yellow!


I'm not sure but I think bikinis can be yellow



Of course you can always go to the shop and buy some yellow



I wonder how long it takes this guy's car to start turning brown?


Such a popular color they even write books on it.


If you ever need a place to live you can always stay here cuz we all live in a



It's been a long time since I had drivers' training but I think this means hammer down slowpoke


and lastly on my tribute to yellow the all important....




Yellow and goodbye
-Bushman

PS
couldn't resist



Saturday, April 27, 2013

X is for WTF?

This letter is a pain in the ass.  I have searched high and low and  little bit lower than low to find something good to write about.  I had a great idea but failed to follow through with it.  Of course no one is ever home in this house except me and I needed help with getting the pictures for the post.  Maybe next year!
I did find an X word.  I take that back, my older brother Bill did.  We like to chat on Saturday and Sunday mornings via his phone and my Facebook messenger and I mentioned I needed an X word so he found one for me.
1.xylopolist


xylopolist 1. One who sells timber; a timber-merchant. 2. A dealer in wooden objects or one who sells various kinds of wood or wooden objects.


I'm guessing wood seller just wasn't good enough.  I mean really where do they get these words from?
I can make up words too.

Gunremlazi
Definition :  When two lazy dogs lay on a couch all day.

Seriously though who would have thought that there was a word for what I have been doing a lot of lately.  Actually not that there is just a word but one that begins with X.  Bonus!

So I can tell my friends when they ask what I'm doing this week that I'm just gonna do a little bit of xylopoly.  I should probably look that up.  Make sure its not a word that means one who likes anal probing or something like that.  Huh it actually means to sell wood.  Weird. 

That's all you get from me today.  I'm off to play with my wood errr.....timber!

-Bushman




Thursday, April 25, 2013

W is for Goerge

Where has all the time went to?  One moment we are posting our A post and the next we are at W.
I wonder how many George W Bush posts there will be?




Or how many on Words ?

Washing, waxing, wishing and waiting,
All of these words I'm anticipating.

Working, wasting
walking or whaling.
The W words have pulled anchor
and set sailing

Lets cut out the verbs and skip to some nouns

Warrior, winter,
well and wort
if these aren't nouns than take me to court

Whistle, water
and wiry wigs too
just some W nouns to name a few!

Then there are the fun ones,
like whizz and whew
and WHAMO from a Batman comic or two!

Well I'm afraid my wishful poetry is thru
I'm sure there's more but I'd have to Google 'em for you.
With a wavering voice and a woeful heart
I'm outta here
like a wafting fart!

Wicked rhymes,
-Bushman


Wednesday, April 24, 2013

V is for man's best friend

Once upon a time there was a dog made of chocolate.
His ears were perky and his eyes were bright,
He would only sleep with me at night

He loved to nap,
upon my shoes

Sometimes even under me,
when I snoozed.

It wasn't very long at all,
he needed a friend at his beckon call.
So away we went on a shopping spree,
and came home with little Remmi.


Fast friends they became,
they were one and the same
Just a different shade of love
Sleeping on the deck or
playing in the snow,
wherever I went,
They did go!

First baths,



To first goose.
Just think if I taught him,
to hunt giant moose


He was waiting the day I brought the new truck home.


Behaving in the goose blind for only a Milkbone!
Building a fire,
and stacking some rocks.
One has the key to my heart
and the other the lock!



We play in the sprinkler,
it's all in good fun.


Sometimes we help,
when work needs to be done.

 

Exhausted from playing
we retire for the night.
We'll wake Daddy with whines,
before first light.


You just can't beat
Furry heads and four feet.

These are my VERY best friends!   

Woof Woof!
-Bushman









U is for Motown

Oh man I bet your puzzled by that title aren't ya?

U is a tough one.  There are a gazillion u words.  Take any word and stick UN in front of it.
It makes a word.  Easy enough.  Nah!  Not for me.  I have my word.  It makes no sense and it's not even used in context (lady from Tennessee please don't call me out on it)
It's something I've said for years.  No one else laughs at it but me.  That is how I know my word for the U post is fitting!

Growing up we moved around a bit.  Not like a Military family but we never stayed at one place too long. 
Of course everywhere we moved it seemed like the house needed to be remodeled and the yard needed to be tore up and re-done.

One particular house we moved into, which was built by my Grandfather back in the fifties and stayed in the family until the late 90's or early 00's, we did a bunch of updating.  Dad and I would go there and work together.  We always played the radio and Dad would listen to oldies.  Of course being guys we would put our own twist on the songs.  I remember singing "Peggy Sue" but I made the song my own ( as the American Idol judges would say) and sang Peggy's Soup.  "Yummy, yummy, yummy Peggy's soup".

The list went on and on and most are too explicit too mention here. 

We would sand drywall, rip out cupboards and paint walls all while singing our own versions of the classic oldies.  Frankie Valli and the 4 seasons, Stevie Wonder, The Beach Boys just to name a few.
I think I've heard every song from that era and probably heard every one while holding a paintbrush and also again while staining trim or mudding drywall.  I can't listen to that music without blowing old drywall dust out of my nose. 

Not only did we change up the words we changed up the singers names too.  Like:
The Beach Boys became The Bitch Boys
Gladys Knight and the Pips became Glad its night cuz the girls have nips.
Marvin Gaye became Marvin's Gay (shocker)
The 4 Tops became the The 4 Tits
The Supremes became the Burrito Supremes
And the one I always loved......

Urethra Franklin

Did Somebody say Burrito Supremes?

I looked everywhere for a funny picture of an actual urethra....nope.  Pretty un nerving (see told ya Un works)  Do not try and look for them.  It's gross.  people do some strange shit to their urethras! 

All I'm askin for is a little r-e-s-p-e-c-t.
-Bushman

Monday, April 22, 2013

T is for Slacker

So I've been looking for a cheat and get an easy post in and I finally got one.
Last year my T post just happend to be gardening related.  Here ya go!

T is for Tomato

Later Gator!
-Bushman

S is for bitchy broads!

What a gorgeous day! 
Someone I know skipped out of work early to come home and play with his yard.
All this bad weather has got me so far behind in my outdoor chores.  So I worked till 1:30,( 7 out of 10 hours isn't bad) and headed home.
First thing I did was to finish stacking the wood I split this weekend.  Over the winter I had burned a portion of my garden wall and needed to replenish it so the critters didn't get in the garden.  I hauled 6 wagon loads behind my lawn tractor and "patched" in my wall.
Then I started a fire to burn some brush and then turned over the garden one more time.
Then I got the deck on the lawn mower and mowed the backyard.
Cleaned up some more brush and tidied up around the shed.  It gets to be a collect all during the winter.
Grabbed the laptop and headed for the patio to enjoy a cold beer and some blogging.
Of course I was rewarded with my first "Snarky" comment and I just couldn't keep my mouth shut on the reply.
I mean R is for crazy and it was just for fun. 
I suppose if Obama does control wood futures in Canada then were all in trouble.

My dogs are loving the weather and being outside.  They like to roll around in the fresh cut grass, run and fetch the ball.  They are like kids acting all silly.  It's refreshing to see how happy they are.  Contagious I tell you!

The seedlings are doing great.  I am ready to start transplanting them to bigger grow containers.  Three more weeks and they will be in the garden.  I have a ton of work to do but I'll get there.

The Sedum I planted in the flower beds last year is beginning to show signs of new growth.  First of the year.
The Lilly turf took a bit of a hit this winter.  I think maybe some dogs may have peed on them.  Time will tell.

That's all I got for now.  Sorry for the late post.  I was busy yesterday taking a day off!

Sayonara!
-Bushman

Saturday, April 20, 2013

R is for crazy

What a night!  All alone, skimming thru all the a to z posts. 
Talking to the dogs like they understand me. 
Dinner is in the fridge when I get hungry (compliments of the sub I bought for lunch and brought the leftovers home from work so no cooking for me). 

I filled my wood rack up when I got home.  Another one sold.  Went from 70 degrees and humid to 30 mph winds ( for you Canadian folk that's like 100 kmh because that's what 100 kmh feels like when we are driving through your homeland) snow and 39 degrees.  That's....well I don't know what that is.  Jenny can you help me out?  Anyways it's just lousy.  Good for selling firewood so I refilled the rack.

I have another idea in my head (shocker) for selling wood.  Campfire season is coming up and they sell these tiny little bundles of firewood at the gas station for $5. (In Canadian money that's probably only worth about $1 nowadays...thanks Obama) 
There isn't enough wood in there to roast a full package of hot dogs.  Seriously the amount they sell you is what I use to get my fire started. 
It doesn't take a genius to figure out what I did.  (that's why I hang out with my dogs so much. They think everything I do is amazing, it's a great moral booster).

I threw some wood in a wheelbarrow and brought it in the garage.  Set up a little table (pallet and plywood) and then I stood up 10 splits of firewood and wrapped them with plastic wrap.  Put a handle on it and called it money!   I haven't put it out to the road yet because of the cold.  I'll wait until I think the time is right.
Mathematically challenged I am but when I sell my normal rack of firewood for $15 there is about 75 splits in a rack.  That is about seven and a half bundles of firewood.  At $3 dollars a bundle that is $87 dollars.  (Told you I was no good at math)

Really the point of this post isn't about wood, though it may seem like it, it's about what goes on in my head and how I think. 
Jenny from Pearson Report says she wishes she was as creative as me and I told her it wasn't creativity it was just plain crazy.  (she has loads more than me anyways.  I think she was just being nice!)

Like the cat lady from the Simpsons' I rant and rave, click and cluck all day long.
Some of the things that emanate from my being leave people shaking their heads.  Other things raise their eyebrows and once in awhile some things have them buying me beer.  (No joke, happened once back in '97)
So I got to thinking, what R word ties in with my craziness?  How can I explain it?
I couldn't think of anything...except this.

Repertoire of a mad man! (Specifically me if you haven't figured that out yet)


Yep that's me and my yellow dog.  How's that for crazy?  (No that's not a Halloween costume.)

I find that by tossing aside all reservations, throwing caution to the wind and selling the majority of my modesty on EBay I have enhanced my repertoire ten fold. (ten fold being the number of times it takes me to get a fitted sheet from dryer to closet).
You see sometimes I just don't care.  The first time I applied for a job with myself I left in tears.  I tried to measure myself against others.  Didn't work.  I declared writer's bankruptcy and re-organized.

Now they don't even look at my resume.  They say, "Sweet, your hired!  Whip cream and crickets are in the back as usual.".
My style comes from within.  To be different you have to let everything else go and just smile.  You can't buy a real repertoire!

Definition of repertoire (n)

Bing.com · Bing Dictionary
rep·er·toire [ réppÉ™r twr ]
1.material available for performance: a stock of musical or dramatic material that is known and can be performed
2.body of artistic works: the entire body of works in a specific area of the arts
3.range of resources that somebody has: the range of techniques, abilities, or skills that somebody or something has

I'll take a #3 please and hold the cheese.  (See how crazy I am, I don't order it with cheese)

 Thanks for reading and remember....enhance your repertoire.
-Bushman

Did you really stop and figure the math out on the wood bundles?  I was kidding.  I know it's $85 not $87.
Right?  Damn math anyways!

Thursday, April 18, 2013

Q is Wood for Sale

The rain has been relentless.  Everything is soaked and the fields are flooded.  The river next to the house has overflowed its banks.  Today was humid as heck and warm, about 70 degrees.  It was kinda nice because it reminded you of summer a bit.  I was talking with a guy at work and I told him, "Ya know in two months this will feel cold."  We both laughed at the thought.

I arrived home from work to find my rack of wood empty.  It had been sitting in the rain since Sunday. (4 days)  I had a piece of plywood covering the top but we had some Forest Gump rain so it was all wet.  Someone bought it anyways.  I don't think I've discussed my wood rack with you all.  I built a rack 4 feet long and two feet high.  I put it out to the road and filled it with firewood.  I add some extra on top.  I'm not stingy.  I put a sign up, "For Sale $15". 
I've sold quite a bit.  ( does that q word count?)  This person must like wet wood because they put  $20 in the coffee can that is nailed to the rack.  Big tippers I call em!
I've sold probaby 8-10 racks so far.

So I filled the rack back up with some dry stuff from my stacks out back and even put a cover over the whole thing so it stays dry.  As I was about to walk back to the house I heard some ducks fly over.  Those little bastards had the audacity to make fun of me outside in the rain stacking wood.  They kept calling me a quack....quack.....quack!



P is for Kevin Bacon

Hey there!  I'm a little late today.  Didn't get my post written last night because my computer was confiscated by my wife so she could finish her work from......work.  When she was done (and she types fast) I was too sleepy to make words.  I thought about slapping up a re post from last years challenge but instead decided to make you wait.

I must say this year's challenge has been kinda weird for me.  Doesn't feel like I'm really into it.  More like a chore at times.  Although once I get a few words out it all seems to make sense, for awhile anyways. 
It's like being sick.  You run for the bathroom and bow to the toilet and after a few regurgitating burps, a cold drink of water (still tastes like batteries) you begin to feel better...momentarily that is.  Next thing you know your running for the bathroom again.

I don't even remember what last years P post was about.  Probably not good enough to regurgitate anyways.  I'll look when I'm done scribbling here.

My entire reason for not wanting to join up this year was because I was supposed to be busy with my garden and yard and everything outdoors.  I didn't want to be tied to the computer.  Then I thought,  I'll use my activities outside for my challenge.  I don't have to worry about the letter.  My crazy mind can tie anything together.  Like the Kevin Bacon syndrome. 

 A few years ago, a fairly popular party game was called "Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon". The aim was to link Kevin Bacon to any other actor, via shared movies or co-stars. For example, Kevin Bacon has never worked with Harrison Ford in a movie. But Kevin Bacon and Lawrence Fishburne were co-stars in the movie, Quicksilver - that's one link. Fishburne and Sean Connery worked together in the movie, Just Close - that's the second link. And Connery and Harrison Ford worked together in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - and so Ford and Kevin Bacon are only three links apart.


Now this might seem totally useless and a complete waste of time, but a few scientists have had a close look at this phenomenon of linking - and the information they discovered could reduce sexually-transmitted diseases, and improve your cell phone reception.

So here is what I'll do. I'll Bing some P words and just pick a random one and tie it to my activities.

popskull
definition

n.

fiery liquor; inferior whiskey; moonshine. : This popskull will burn a hole in you.

Yeah that is a tough one but I'll play fair.  It works out anyways after a moments thought.

Over the winter I was cutting and splitting a lot of wood.  Said wood piled up in yard.  I just finished stacking the last of it Tuesday night and finished raking up the wood chips and debris that was left over from the splitting process.  In the middle of the pile of splits I found an almost empty quart jar.
It had a brownish fluid in the bottom of it.  I laughed and retrieved the jar and also a few beer cans that were tossed in there as well.  You see over the winter a friend had come over to pick up some wood to heat his home and we got to drinking beers and I made a trip into the garage to retrieve some "Apple Pie".  Which is made from home distilled grains, if you get my drift.  Rice whiskey to be exact.  Mixed with apple cider, apple juice, sugar and cinnamon sticks to kill the ferocious burn of the popskull.  We finished it off and tossed it in the wood pile which was covered up by snow that night, lost until spring.

Not that hard.

Back to my point.  It has been raining, snowing, blowing and downright nasty weather.  I haven't been able to get anything done.  Well almost.  I have done a few things but not enough to keep me posting everyday so the blog is losing air faster than a bicycle tire with a fat kid riding it.  Now you know why your getting this post.  P is for Progress.  Ain't none o' that shit going on around here!

Popskull cheers!-Bushman



Tuesday, April 16, 2013

O is for murder

The tears flowed easily down his face.  It had been a long time since he had shed any tears.  Time and experience had hardened him against this unusual event.

He couldn't understand what had went wrong.  She was there in all her beauty one moment and the next, the knife had pierced her skin.

It was a blur after that.  He didn't remember much.  Flashes of skin falling of the knife, the redness contrasting against the white handled blade.  The tears stood out mostly.  Was he so cold that he only remembered the tears?
What now?  He had chopped her to pieces and now she must go. 
He picked up the flexible cutting board and slid the chopped red onion into the pot.

The beautiful onion.
Whites, reds, yellows, green.  They come in so many flavors and forms.
I grow them in my garden.  Super easy and super cheap.
They last forever too.  Not like that bag you keep in your pantry that starts growing sprouts in a week or worse yet had begun to rot and it takes you three days to find where that awful smell is coming from.

My favorites are the sweet, my daily chopping onion for everything from stews and roasts to Italian dishes.  The red is also my favorite.  My favorite red onion dish is my take on cucumber salad.  Sliced De-seeded cukes, super thin sliced red onion, Cherub tomatoes, balsamic vinegar, coarse kosher salt and basil and garlic seasoning.  Toss it all together and enjoy.  De-seeding cucumbers is easy.  Just slice them length ways and hollow out the seeds with a spoon like your making a little cuke canoe.  Then slice them up normally.  It does two things, takes the extra water out of your salad and also keeps you from burping them up afterward.

I also love green onions either fresh or chopped up as scallions in Mexican dishes like guacamole.  However you use them onions are a versatile part of the garden and the culinary experience.

I have been issued contacts by my eye Dr and if I wear those I don't dry when I chop but being a guy it is my duty to ignore all warnings and advice from any medical figure.  I'll cave in eventually!

Cheers and Tears
-Bushman

N is for the Queen

The late afternoon breeze dwindled to nothing more than a hush whisper.  The song birds became eerily quiet as the sun melted behind the trees in a fiery glow of amber and orange.  The colors so pure and bright they must be meant for only royalty.  The world stopped to watch the splendor of the setting sun.  Even the shadows, despite their continued growing paused momentarily to watch the king bed down for the night.

Ferocious reds gave way to soft purples and deep, supple blues and the sound of the song birds now became the song of the crickets and the frogs as they chirped and croaked their way onto the scene. 
An owl hooted in the distance and the sound echoed among the growing shadows.  The shadows brought with them the coolness of the eve and once again a slight wavering breeze began to flow.  Carried down from the heavens on the cooling thermals.  The cool air spilled over the landscape, collecting in pools and pockets and only spilling over as it filled, carried on to all the lowest points in the forest. 
Banks of misty fog arose when the cool thermals mixed with the leftover puddles of air warmed by the last of the suns rays.  They hung in the air, silent.  A mystery contained in their embrace.

The moon rose as the sun fell, illuminating the world in a new glow.  Soft tones of white arose from the sharp shadows.  Everything that was the same became new.  The Queen had arrived.  She now held sway over the land while her husband slept.  Creatures emerged and began their nightly rituals.  Feeding and scurrying about in the moonlight while junebugs and bats danced in the air.  The moon watched.
Tonight she was full.  She had been feeding for weeks.  Slowly growing from crescent to half and now to full.  Her power reigned down upon the land with a glowing brilliance and the creatures of the night took full advantage.  Raiding and pillaging everything in their path.  Dawn would bring a new surprise to those who had not prepared!
---------------------------------------
Night time.
The time when bad things happen to good gardens.  Preparation is the key to success on this front but be warned sometimes it just happens and there isn't much you can do about it.
Here is my list of nighttime raiders of the garden

#1 Rabbits
They can squeeze through the tiniest holes and dig under the best fences.  They will eat your garden clean in one night.  Especially if its young.

#2  Woodchucks. 
They love fresh crops.  Lettuce especially.  To them it's like our nose when we walk by a burger joint or smell fried chicken.

#3  Raccoons
My personal nemesis.  Coons will wipe out an entire sweet corn patch in one night.  They also climb fences.  Not to mention somehow manage to get the grease trap out of my grill all the time.  Crazy coon fingers.

#4  Deer
While not much of a problem in my yard thanks to my neighbors dogs they can jump fences and nibble the night away.

These are the top 4 predators in the world of the garden.

Rabbits are easily deterred by fences.  Just make sure you bury a little fence in the ground so it stops them from digging.  Marigolds planted around your precious crops will also deter them.  They hate the smell.

Woodchucks go the same way as the rabbits.  Strong fence.  No holes.

Deer can be deterred by certain smells.  Some folks hang bags of human hair in the garden while others use an aluminum cooking tray on a string tied to a stake.  The wind will blow it around and the clanging scares them away.  Except when it's calm.  Then they probably use it as a serving tray.  They also make a spray that deters deer and rabbits although I've never used it.

Raccoons can be deterred by shooting them!  No...well yeah... but if you don't want to sit up all night waiting then the next best thing is live traps.  Coons can't resist marshmallows.  Then you can relocate them.  Problem with that is, one trap only catches one coon.  Then the others can gorge all night at the expense of the unfortunate one. 
I have trapped many coons.  I also have used poison.  I live in farm country and a river bottom.  There are more coons and possums than you can shake a stick at.  I don't like to kill for fun I only do it if they cross the line.  This is my food. They can go eat crayfish and frogs.  Flybait, available at your local farm co-op.  It is used for killing flies in barns.  Mix a couple tablespoons with some coke or pepsi and put it in a pie tin in the garden.  Preferably behind the fence to keep all the dogs away from it.  It is a quick death.  I have found coons dead with their head laying in the tin.  All the other ones have never made it more than 10 feet away from the tin.
For the most part they don't mess with anything but the corn so if they are not raiding your corn then try and trap them.  Flybait is for last efforts only.
Please don't put cat litter or dog poo in your garden to scare away the critters.  It's gross.  You eat out of there.  Besides the critters walk thru my backyard to get to my garden which means bypassing all the poo piles along the way.  It doesn't bother them. 
Some folks use wind chimes as well.  It's nice for the animals to have some music to dine by.
Noise is something they get used to.  I have read stories where deer will walk by a chained up barking dog within 20 feet.  They are so used to the barking dog and know how far he can get.  They become immune. 
Mix it up from time to time.  Keep 'em guessing.
A radio turned on every once in a while on a talk station works well.  Just not all the time so they are used to it.  Put it on a timer with multiple settings to come on a few times each night.

My best advice to night time predation is just be vigilant.  Check things out everyday.  If your alert you have a better chance.

Nighty-night,
-Bushman

Monday, April 15, 2013

M is for Poop

The work was backbreaking.  The heat was intense.  The smell even worse.  The boy strained with the weight of the tool.  He was much too small for such equipment but his heart was plenty big enough. 
Sweat dropped from his brow, staining the leather work boot.  A dark brown circle in an otherwise tan abyss.  It disappeared almost as quick as it came.  The heat in this wooden enclosure was as intense as being next to Hades front gate.

He felt a sense of pride in his work.  Essentially he was taking care of his family.  Life had been hard with his father gone.
So many chores.  So little sleep.

He hefted the pitchfork one last time and the wheelbarrow was finally full.  Struggling with the weight he wheeled it to the garden out back.  His mother smiled when she saw him.  A dusty, weathered smile but a smile just the same.  She had accepted her fate but wished he hadn't been attached to her demise.  A peasant gardener she made only a few pence each week selling her vegetables in the village market. 
The winter promised to be long and brutal.  She must save every penny in order to see the spring the following year.  She was thankful her garden was so bountiful.  She was thankful her horse and milking cow provided the nutrients to grow such crops in this otherwise devoid soil.
The boy dumped his wheelbarrow in the compost heap and returned once again to the stalls.  The miracle of nature began it's cycle yet again.
-------------------------------------------------

Manure! 
You have to feed the soil that feeds you.  Manure is an excellent way to do this.  I won't go into the fine details but soil must contain the right nutrients to grow good crops.  It is as important as growing your garden in the sunshine and not the shade.
NPK or nitrogen, phosphorus and potassium (K is potassium the elements name on the periodic table)

Nitrogen gives the plant it's greenery such as stems and leaves.
Phosphorus helps to move all the nutrients through the plant
Potassium helps to develop strong roots systems.
The numbers you see on a bag of fertilizer represent the above info.

Manure contains this.  It also contains the leftover roughage that the animal ate.  This is called humus. This slice of the cow pie helps condition and aerate the soil so water and nutrients can be absorbed by the plant better.

If you collect raw manure for your plants you need to let it compost for awhile before adding to your garden.  Like a fine wine it needs time to reach it's peak.  Adding early in the spring or fall and tilling in is acceptable. 
Manure from some animals is not real good for your garden.  Such as dogs and cats or pigs.  These may contain parasites.  Yuck!
These guys are much better:
Rabbits are the best of the barnyard buddies.  (That is why he has the sign at 3.5% Nitrogen in his poo)

So whether it be a

or a

or a
Manure is a beneficial part of a successful garden.

Sure you can buy it in a bag but that takes all the fun out of it!
So next time someone says," Oh horseshit".  You can say,"Yep in the garden!"

This was a fun post but now I'm pooped.  See ya at the market!
-Bushman

Saturday, April 13, 2013

Thursday, April 11, 2013

K is for Strung Up!

"Karl!  The kite is getting away", the boy screamed at his companion Which by looks alone one would think they were twins.

"I got it, quit being a baby", the look-a-like hollered back.

"Don't be running into Mr. Karlson's Kale crop, he'll string you up like he did the Werford kid"  "I reckon you'll last a couple days but Jimmy Jolette from homeroom said you'll eventually drown in your own pee".
"Ol' man Karlson strings you up from the feet!", the boy exclaimed.

His eyes were open wide and he truly believed what young Jim had said about Karlson's Kale crop.

As he chased the kite, he laughed and ran as fast as he could.  Without even thinking about it he crossed the line and stepped into the dark green Kale field.

Invisible detectors began to send out silent signals and before long boots were tied and the rope was stuffed into a knapsack.  Ol' man Karlson was on his way. 

The boys didn't know it.  Ol' man Karlson didn't know it but a grisly murder was about to paint his lush green Kale crop a brilliant scarlet red.  For at the end of the field stood a large plywood crate with customs stamps all over it.  The silent alarms were not really silent at all and they awoke a sleeping giant and it's precious brood.

The sleepy little town of Klapston Falls was about to be the most horrific crime scene in all of America. 
-----------------------------------------

Wow I sure didn't have a clue where that one was going.  That's what makes this fun.  I was able to get my hands on a temporary laptop so I can at least try and stay on top of things.  Just the thought of not writing down the crap in my head is too overwhelming.  I might blow up!

So anyways I'm back in the game for now.  Thanks to my loyalists for continued reading.
-Bushman

I and J is for......

I regret to inform you that I and J is for

I Just ..
have to quit the challenge for now.

I'm typing this from work right now on my break of course!

My computer at home picked up a virus and I can't do anything with it.

I'm not sure how long it will take to fix

Have fun on the rest of your challenge and I'll see ya when I can.

-Bushman

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

H is for Hollerpeenyos

Have you ever had a pepper so hot it made your ears snort?

Hey it's possible. 

Like the one time I was double dared to blow smoke out my ears.

It was after I had taken scuba lessons and learned how to equalize the pressure in you ears under water.  In essence you are blowing air out your ears.  Well at least I thought so.  You are actually forcing air into the middle ear which equalizes the pressure on the outside.

I was like 15 so in my mind I was blowing air out of my ears.

My friend and I had also thought it was extremely cool to smoke cigarettes. 
One day I wondered out loud (I should have kept it to myself),"Huh, wonder if I can blow smoke out my ears?"
"I dare you to", my friend says.
"No way", I reply.
"Double dare", he says and it was all over.

Giant inhale on the Kool Mild, plug my nose and next thing you know I'm writhing on the ground in pain for the next 5 minutes.  I gave up smoking.....Kool milds forever!  Eventually 18 years later  would quit all of them!

That is how hot some peppers can be.

One of my favorite peppers is the jalapeno.
Or as some say in this neck of the woods...hollerpeenyo

I like jalapenos in many ways but my favorite is to let them turn red and smoke them for 10 hours or so.
Now I know jalapenos is spelled with a j and I should have saved this for Thursday but it's my blog and I can do what I want.

These are some red and green jalapenos that I was smoking last year.  The orange are habenero and  the reds on top are cherry hots.



Say Kool!
-Bushman

Monday, April 8, 2013

G is for dreams

Wrestled from his slumber the man awoke with a feeling of anxiety deep in the pit of his stomach.
He laid still in the dark.  Careful not to move and wake his sleeping wife. 
The dark room was lit with the faint green glow from the numbers on the alarm clock.
In the fluorescent glow he could see a half full water bottle and a cell phone paired with it's charger.
He reached for the bottle.  Carefully he opened it.  A slight crinkle of plastic shattered the dark silence.  He stopped, hesitant to drink lest he make too much noise.
The opposite side of the bed remained still.  A soft snore filtered it's way through the deep comforter.
He drank.
While he drank he tried to figure out what had awaken him.  It wasn't like him to awaken in the middle of the night.
He remembered.
His garden.  He had been dreaming about his garden.  The dream was slipping from his memory rapidly and he was at once saddened by the loss.  Why must dreams leave he wondered.
The bits and pieces that he could recollect were joyous and hard fought for.  Nurturing the seedlings to full grown, producing plants and protecting them from the cold weather, frost and winds.

He could see the people who had come from miles around to gaze at his beautiful work of art.  In the dream they were clapping.  He smiled and thought of the boy from the "Christmas Story" movie who had also shared such flamboyant dreams.

He loved his garden.  He had never dreamed about his garden before and when he awoke later that day he researched his dream to find any meaning or significance that it might bestow upon him.
This is what he found.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Garden

To see a vegetable or fruit garden in your dream indicates that your hard work and diligence will pay off in the end. It is also symbolic of stability, potential, and inner growth. You need to cultivate a new skill or nurture your spiritual and personal growth.

To see a flower garden in your dream represents tranquility, comfort, love and domestic bliss. You need to be more nurturing.

To see a sparse, weed-infested garden suggests that you have neglected your spiritual needs. You are not on top of things.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
 
Sorry for the late post.  I was up half the night dreaming!
-Bushman
 
 

Saturday, April 6, 2013

F is for Guerillas

The crate stood tall as a man.  It's wooden sides were marked with a multitude of international customs stamps.
The man eyed it suspiciously.  He envisioned all sorts of things the crate might hold. 
The first being a guerrilla. 
He chuckled at the thought.  Why would he think there was a guerrilla in this wooden crate.  Duh! There were no air holes in it.  Couldn't be a guerrilla in there or it would suffocate.
He sat down on another crate and let his imagination run wild as to what it might be.
 
The fog horns on the old rust bucket bellowed into the emptiness of the ocean signaling midnight.

The old ship had once been an esteemed cruise liner and an honorary member of the Queens fleet.  Now it was reduced to a cargo ship whose hold still held remnants of the maroon carpet with a gold paisley pattern upon it.

The man spat on the carpet and watched as the brownish tobacco spit sank into the fibers. 
"Fuck it", he said aloud.  "I'm gonna take a peek inside."

He thought if anyone asked he would tell them it tipped over and the lid popped off.
What's the worse that could happen?  Jap Juice would come spilling out of it?

He pulled a crowbar from the maintenance closet and began prying the lid off the crate.

Prying, pulling and pushing he managed to wrestle the lid from it's grasp.
He slid another crate over next to the box and stepped up on it.
Slowly he stretched his head over the top of the crate.

Had there been any passengers on the ship they may have heard him but in the end the foghorn drowned out the sounds of the screaming and eventually the sounds of the chewing.

Once the meal was over the Five Spotted Hawk Moth waited patiently for another victim to feed it's young.

--------------------------------------------------------

Every time I see a tomato worm I swear it must have been a laboratory creation sent over on some creepy ship to destroy our hard work.
The Five Spotted Hawk Moth is the beast that eats our tomato plants.  Well sort of.  She lays her eggs on the underside of the leaves and they go from this

Five Spotted Hawk Moth


 To This

Tomato Horn worm

 
Vile creatures they are.
I'm not a big fan of pesticides but when it comes to these guerrillas I sometimes use them.
I also get my revenge another way.
Hunt them down and roast them in a fire.
 
These caterpillars come out at night to feed.  It's almost impossible to find them in the day.
Just wait till about an hour after dark and take a flash light into the garden.  They like to feed at the top leaves where it's more tender.  You can pick 'em off the plant and put them in a bucket.  Chickens love to eat them.
You can tell they have invaded by looking for chewed up stems and also little black pellets of poo on the ground.
Last year my daughter and I went hunting for them.  We had excellent success and wiped them out clean in a couple nights. 

The only way to make a horn worm look half way decent is to have it pose with this cute girl !

In all seriousness they are harmless.  Just pick em off and destroy them.  Tilling your soil in the spring will kill off any remaining pupae that are buried in the soil.  Once these buggers are done munching they bury themselves in the dirt and pop out in  the spring as the moth version.
Could you imagine Tokyo under attack from this guy?

Happy hunting!
-Bushman

 
ps.  Jap Juice is a story I wrote a few years ago.  It has about 12 chapters to it.  It's all here.  Mired in these pages.

Friday, April 5, 2013

E is for Italian Mobsters

The sandy haired teenager stares intently, his brow furrowed.
"What the hell is this", he asks.

"It's called an El Camino", his cohort answers.  A shorter stockier version of his friend but also managing to have the same hair color and hair cut. 
Both boys wore large plastic "diamonds" in their left earlobes.

"And what exactly are we gonna do with that piece of shit ?", sandy haired boy asks.

" Well we gotta get the topsoil somehow.  What else are we gonna do?  Carry the shit in our pocket?"

Sandy haired kid's cheeks immediately begin to turn rosy.  An assault on teenage pride has been made and stocky boy has no idea that sandy boy has been secretly wanting to whip his ass for some time now.  He's lucky that Coach said no trouble over spring break or your off the team.

"C'mon cheesedick let's get it done.  If we don't have it all delivered to Bushman's house by the end of the day he said he wouldn't pay us.  That guy can be a real prick if you don't do shit the way he asks you to".

Sandy reluctantly agrees and they head to the landscape yard in stocky's Dad's El Camino.

Little do they know that El Camino axle springs are not made to hold 2300 lbs of weight.

The trouble that is only just beginning to bubble will soon reach an unforgettable boil.

---------------------------------------------


No really, did you think I was gonna do El Camino?

The whole shebang of the post is about efficiency.
Thinking ahead, planning.  All the boring stuff that no one ever wants to do.

They say the Devil is in the details and I bet if that story continued on (which it already has in my mind) those two boys will overload that thing with topsoil because they are in a hurry to get done and get paid.  A tire will blow out as they are cruising down the road at 50 mph with the rear bumper making sparks on the pavement every time they hit a bump.

The blown tire will lead to a.....well I'll just let you write your own story.

Efficiency is my E word for the day.  Time is precious.  (Some say time is money but I never see any of it)
Here's a question for ya?  Would you rather spend a hot July day bent over your tomato plants weeding or sitting on the beach making objects out of giant white clouds?

Yeah me too.  I love weeding!
NOT!

So I says to myself.  (use Italian mob voice here for best effect)


"Self?  Waz it gonna take for you ta get oudda dis place and have some relaxment?"

"I need to be more efficient", dorky self (not mob self) says as he wipes the dirt from his encrusted knees and mops the sweat from his forehead.

"Okey den hot shot,  hows about we make some boxes for dem  Roma's Tomatoes an den lets say we put in some of dat cloth fabric stuff.  Keepin da weeds outta your sauce plums?"

" Hey great idea sir, the kids should be here soon with the topsoil.  We can fill the boxes with soil and then put the weed fabric over it and staple it to the boxes.  Then we just cut an X in the fabric and plant those beautiful tomatoes in there", dorky self is getting excited and there is a little bit of spittle hanging off his lower lip, but his eyes are shining bright.

"That's right kiddo.  and when yous cut the grass for yous fadder you can rake up da clippings and place dem around da plants.  Keeps all da precious water in da ground where it belongs, Capeesh?"
---------------------------------------------

OK enough of the Italian talk.  Too hard to do.  I'm not even Italian. I'm mostly German and Irish.  I shouldn't even be growing tomatoes.  I should be growing potatoes and sauerkraut, Leprechauns and Nazis!

Efficiency.  Short and simple.  Keep weeds at bay by whatever means necessary.  Newspaper, cardboard, weed fabric.  I shy away from plastic because it keeps the rain and nutrients from filtering through. 
Next conserve moisture.  Place mulch around your plants on top of that weed barrier.  It helps retain moisture and also helps block weeds.

This year I am making new boxes.  Deeper and also with a built in....never mind.  I'll save that for a later post.  Here is a shot of my garden from last year.  Boxes with weed fabric covered in grass clippings.



 

Of course you can't be this thorough with every plant, for instance the corn rows in the last picture, but you can see how much I cut down on weeding already.

Now I can spend more time enjoying the summer instead of suffering through it weeding the garden which by the way will ultimately end up with you hating the garden because it's just a big pain in the ass weed factory.  Try this and you will love it.  It's a lot of work early on but hey, early on in summer you don't mind being outside.  It's just beginning to warm nicely and the heat of the late summer isn't burning the freckles off your shoulders yet.

Be efficient!
-Bushman