If you want to increase your success rate, double your failure rate.

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

So you wanna be a homeowner huh?

There are things in life that are much easier done at a younger age.  Running, jumping, staying out late, beer bongs, tattoos, sex (well maybe not easier but so much faster), staying awake and the one I most want to talk about (even though now I keep thinking about all that younger sex and am losing my train of thought) YARDWORK!

Man oh man I used to go all day long and never take a break, work not sex!(quite possibly because there was no beer involved) sweat, till and toil in the heat of the day.  That explains mostly why I spent my entire life under the age of 30 being a paltry 165 lbs.  Ribs sticking out, cheekbones at attention and all my jeans a little loose at a 32 inch waist.  So what gives you ask?  Well in short here is what happened.  First I got married, then I quit my job as a landscaper, then I quit smoking, then I was still married, then I got a job inside of a building where the work is about as strenuous as Gary Coleman ducking under a clothesline.  The entire time my passion for food and cooking growing worse than Dick Cheney's addiction to nitroglycerin.
The raziest thing was I finally began to age.  It hit about 32-33 yrs old.  Hips were hurting, couldn't close my hands all the way without them creaking and cracking, back hurting every morning when I wake up and my knees screaming at me constantly like those little devil bitches on Toddlers and Tiaras.

Now don't get me wrong I'm not officially complaining ok now I am but I still think I can do things the way I used to.  (That was my segway)

Case in point.  Today I worked 10 hours in the hot shop ducking under clotheslines just like little Gary and when I cam home I had some work to do. (Shocker)  I struck a deal with the propane company and they are coming on Friday to relocate my tank and install an entire new propane line.
 If you hadn't heard I damaged the old line excavating for my patio and the tank sits in one of the nicest spots in the yard.  The old line ran through all the area that I wanted to landscape and it had to go.

So I needed to find the septic line that runs from the house to the tank and I also had to remove an old stump that was situated right in front of the regulator (where the gas comes into the house).

I was still able to pull up my inspection reports online for the well and septic inspection and there was a general map of the tank, drainfield and pipes.  I whipped out the tape measure, shovel and pickaxe and went to work.  It took awhile but I found the top of the septic.  It was 20 inches under the ground.  Good enough for me.  All the guy has to do is stay on top of the septic tank and he won't hit the sewer line coming into it.  Now the stump.

Once I had finished I felt like jello in the freezer, all loose and squiggly but tightening up fast.  I was covered in sweat and dirt (but for you girls I was a glistening, tall, tan and handsome man with bulging biceps,  makes the story more interesting than a fat guy with droopy pants heaving like a whore on nickel night)

Anyways it was done.  I'm tired and I retreat into the air conditioning where it is 74 instead of 90.

I'm guessing tomorrow at work won't feel so much like Gary ducking clotheslines but more like Calista Flockhart vs that Japanese dude in a hot dog eating competition.

Onward and upward we go!  Tomorrow I rip out bushes with a chain and my truck!
(insert Tim Allen growl here)

Grab a shovel and dig something would you!


  1. Okay...I literally fell of my chair laughing with that bit "for the girls" and I reckon to your lovely lady you're still that glistening, tall, tan and handsome man with bulging biceps - but man, was that the best bit of visual writing I've come across in ages. I had to tissue my eyes...thank god my bladder still works...

    Big sigh...reality is we're all there with visions of sugar plums...but such is the joy of getting older, supposedly there's wisdom to be gained in there somewhere too (I'm still waiting for mine to be delivered - I think they went to the wrong address).

    That was truly entertaining. Thanks!

    Jenny Pearson Designs
    (and thanks for the follow over at JPD)

  2. In my younger days, I actually enjoyed working out in the yard. Now, with the kids off to college, the only reason I have a yard is to give me something to cut and someplace for the dog to drop his yard apples.
    I'm now thinking condo.
    I'm getting tired of thinking up excuses not to go outside and work.
    But...sigh...those yard apples aren't going to pick themSELVES up.

  3. I am digging something, your blog. Still chuckling over it. I figured there would come a day when finding out that owning a home and a big yard was not as fun and exciting as you would think. There is never a dull moment to be found and the only pleasure is when you sit back with that COLD BEER & A GOOD CIGAR smile and say "DAMN,LOOK WHAT I DID " keep diggin my boy you got a long way to go. Cheers!


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