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Monday, December 24, 2012

A Bushman Christmas

Well our big day has made it here!  The kids will be spending Christmas day with their Father and step mother  this year which means we have them on the Eve. 
I awoke early (shocker) and the strain of 4 bottles of water and  a Mountain Dew right before bed were making their presence known.   I spent most of the previous day loafing on the couch with Momma watching movies. 
Our annual holiday party was the 22nd and we had lots to celebrate. (thus the water the next day)
Christmas with friends, Mommas 40th birthday and of course the end of the world not quite.........well...... ending.  There was food galore, plenty of adult beverages and although I didn't wake up with a headache I could tell that I was indeed in the Christmas spirit.....s.

We cleaned up the mess, returned the borrowed card tables and chairs (why do we not own 6 sets of tables and chairs?  Cheap ass comes to mind!), returned the electric roaster that slowly cooked the ham all day making me salivate more than George Bush over a phonics book!
Ham bone stayed put in case you were wondering.  This is where I dig out the other weapon of mass cooking....the slow cooker/crock pot!  In went the ham bone and left over ham along with carrots , celery, onions and potatoes.  The beans meanwhile sat in a bowl of water, soaking, growing, just waiting for a chance to join the ham bone and unleash its glorious volley of flatulence upon all those who would gather at the mother in laws the next day for dinner!
A quick trip to Walmart (yes I did cringe and vomit a little in my mouth at the thought of venturing to that insane asylum of pure hill billy redneckness just a scant few days before Christmas.
Shockingly it was virtually empty.  When I say empty I mean that as we approached he 20 items or less lane with all 43 of our items we only waited for 20 seconds.  Mother was concerned at our cart tally but I assured her that this was Walmart and 43 was an awful big number.  They would give up at seven most likely.  As that was what adorned our sweet cashiers hands.  Seven.  Now I know why they put her in the 20 or less lane.  Just saying!  We checked out and of course the contents of our cart wouldn't leave anyone guessing that we were planning for a holiday meal.  Except for the oriental noodles that I have to get every time we go there.  Can't get 'em at the other store!

Our Christmas dinners are pretty much standard fare.  Cardboard cut outs of the traditional holiday feast.  Except the mother in law likes to twist it up a little bit now and again.  I don't mean twist like serving prime rib instead of ham because if that was the case I would twist so much Richard Simmons couldn't even keep up.  We have you green bean casserole,(this time every year the Campbell's Soup company stocks skyrocket with the huge leap in sales of cream of mushroom soup)
With the obligatory topping of french fried onions.  Have you ever ate them all by themselves?  Like a handful of potato chips?  Don't!
We have our ham, mashed taters and gravy, cheesy potatoes, and baked beans.  Yes baked beans.  I don't know about you folks but when I was growing up baked beans were summer fare.  The first year I had these with the in laws I kept looking out the window for butterflies and fireworks.  It messes with the senses I tell ya!  I've grown used to it by ignoring them (beans not in laws).
Sometimes she substitutes with fried chicken.  Usually from Walmart as they live across the street.  I love fried chicken don't get me wrong I just never would have thought to put it on a Christmas menu.  (Maybe that is why I don't have a restaurant around here. )   Regardless I do love my in-laws,( just don't tell them) and I suppose when they are gone I will have fried chicken for Christmas in their honor!  Or not.

Anyways, here it is 9:17 am, the house is still quiet.  The lights out in the front yard are slowly growing dimmer as the daylight progresses.  Someone left them on all night long! 
I was up at 4:30 to let the mutts out and feed them.  I figured I could sleep in a little but because  have this annoying body part called a "back" the most I could do was toss and turn for a few more hours.
I heard Momma get up awhile later and pull the presents from the secret hiding place, (the computer room) and carry them down the steps to the tree.  After an extended period of time she returned to bed.  I snuggled in close and said "hey baby?"  She slapped me and said shut up!  Of course I played it off like I was asking her what she was doing up so early and she said she was moving presents and feeding the dogs.  I told her I had already fed them 2 hours prior and she said she never heard me.  I looked at the dog and he smiled, in a way only a dog could,  I could here him thinking, "Sucker" and he flopped back over and began snoring as his twice fed belly protruded above the covers!
"Merry Christmas fatso", I told him.

Well momma just got up.  Baby Joe Joe has to work at noon.  Ahh the joys of coming into adulthood.  (Sucker!)
We will have to pry the kids out of bed,force them to open their gifts, feed them and while one goes to work the other will probably go back to bed.  Momma and I will sit on the couch and wonder how in the heck our little children grew up so fast and then we'll take turns plucking each others grey hairs. 
While she makes the green bean casserole and the 4th of July baked beans to take to her mother's house I will wander down to the garage and ponder which type of beer I will take to Christmas dinner.  I do have some Pabst Blue Ribbon in the garage still.
What?  It goes great with fried chicken and baked beans!
Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night (smelling the farts from my bean soup, Sucker!)


  1. Hey, the wife and I can vouch for the awesomeness that is known as the "crock pot". There's nothing like getting back home from work to the smell of a fully cooked chuck of meat that's been simmering away all day!

    Hope you had a great Christmas!

  2. I was shocked that I only had two beers on Christmas Eve and only two beers (shocked!) on Christmas night.
    I must be getting old.
    I'll try to make up for it New Years Eve.


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