If you want to increase your success rate, double your failure rate.

Saturday, August 10, 2013

WTF was that?

He opened the blinds with his thumb and forefinger.  Peeking outside to make sure the coast was clear.  He had picked up this habit ever since that fateful day and had continued it since.
The coast was indeed clear and he reached for the doorknob.  Just as he was about to turn the handle he felt something brush against his leg, he froze.

Ever since he had seen that giant wood spider in the shed he panicked every time something touched him.
That spider was as big as a baseball.  He had almost called 911 when he saw it.  Almost.  Instead he had ran back into the garage and grabbed a can of wasp and hornet killer off the shelf and when he returned to the shed the monster was staring at him with all of his terrible eyes.  He emptied the can at the beast and it flailed around in defiance, still clinging to the rafter and finally fell and landed in his golf bag.  The 8 legged carnivore had rattled the clubs in the bag as it tumbled through the mess of fairway woods and irons.  He was scarred for life.

He looked down at his leg, heart pounding, and saw his little yellow dog staring intently up at him.  He had to pee and was almost out of patience waiting for his human to peep through the blinds checking for skunks, coons or possums.

One time he had tangled with an opossum and now his human had to check every single time.  "Sheesh", the little dog thought.  He had got the better of the critter and thought his human would have been proud but he also knew that humans didn't think like dogs did so he just blew it off but he also understood that when his human peeked through the blinds that he had lost any chance of chasing a wild critter.  He still couldn't resist busting through the door as soon as it opened and sprinting out into the yard like there was something out there.  It was fun and little yellow dogs love fun.

This morning he had sprinted out into the yard, checked in every direction for trespassers and cocked his leg. Big brown dog had copied his every move.  His full out sprint was so convincing that brown dog always thought that something was actually in the yard.  Yellow dog was quite amused by this, another reason to keep doing it.  Brown dog wasn't as smart as yellow dog.  In fact if they had rode the school bus into town with the children in the morning he was convinced that brown dog's bus was most assuredly the shorter one.
He smiled in his sheepish yellow dog way and turned to sniff a stump when he heard the most awful sound.  His ears perked and his eyes widened.  A slight shudder ran up his legs, through his body and exited at the tip of his tail.  What in the heck was that?  Brown dog stood next to him with a look of terror on his face.

The man cursed the dog as he tore through the door, almost knocking his legs out from underneath him.  Damn dog there's nothing out there, I already looked.  He watched as the two dogs made their way into the yard to perform their morning rituals, a pee here, a pee there, sniff this and sniff that.  He was just about to call them back when a horrible noise pierced the morning peacefulness.
It was coming from the direction of the chicken coop.  The dogs had froze in their tracks and were staring with the most surprised, if not scared look on their faces.
The morning air was still, the birds had been singing but after the noise had shattered the music of the morning all was eerily quiet.  He listened intently.  A few moments passed and then the sound repeated itself.

He laughed out loud breaking the tension.  The dogs looked at him like he was nuts, laughing at such a horrible sound.  "C'mere boys, it's just the.....


Oh man was it ever funny seeing the looks on those dogs faces.  Apparently at least one of our new chickens is a rooster and he is learning how to crow!
Being so young he hasn't figured out how to do it properly.
It sounds like a teenage girl getting stepped on by a horse while squeezing a whoopee cushion.  It is awful and funny at the same time.
Now it seems as though I have to make some chicken soup or see if I can trade him for a hen.  I don't need a rooster.  It's bad enough we have a male duck.  I'm down to one egg laying bird and that is only if the other chicken is a hen.  Still not sure yet.
He is a very pretty bird though if anyone is interested.  I suppose I could take him to the Chinese restaurant in town.  I could get rid of the rooster and the duck that way.  Heck probably the cat too!

It's gonna be a great day today.  I think I will be making the inaugural batch of salsa for the season.
Also back on this day in 1974 the world was blessed with one more whacko!   ME!!



  1. I think the rooster will fit quite nicely in your little farm family there is always room for another male(cock) to be hangin around. HAPPY BIRTHDAY MR GREENJEANS love ya

  2. Woot! Happy Birthday young rooster! If I'd known I would have sent you a card! Oh, well, be warned, next year, your name is on my calendar!!

    A guy at Dave's work has chickens. He named the rooster Stew. :)

  3. Big-Ass spiders and wasps (and not the kind named Thurston and Lovey Howell) are nothing to be trifled with.
    That's why I have four-four!-cans of hornet spray in my garage and my shed.


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