If you want to increase your success rate, double your failure rate.

Tuesday, November 24, 2015

Bushman Learns How To Raise Babies

Hey there,
In case you didn't know, I'm off work this week (and last week).

I've been busy as heck (not really) but I thought I would take a moment this morning to express some concerns I've been having as of late.

You see, I have a newborn  (can you have an old born?) baby on the way.  Little Miss Corabella is due April 30th and I got to thinking (not a strong suit of mine) I have no idea on how to be a baby parent.

"Well don't you have kids already," I hear you ask.

"Yes, yes I do have kids but they were not babies when I first met them.  Joe was 6 and Kait was 3."

They were pretty much out of the baby stage, except Joe, he is still going through it a little bit at age 22!

Just kidding, love you, baby Joe Joe!

So I decided I had better do some research before she gets here.
It would be a good idea to figure out the do's and dont's beforehand.

I recently discovered Pinterest while looking for some new dinner recipes (that my pregnant wife would not throw up) and came across some valuable pointers on raising babies.

What would I ever do without the internet?

Excellent idea.  I hope I still have the receipt for the chess set

I really am glad I seen this one.  As a dog lover I thought human babies would also need to be crate trained.

"You need to go outside and go potty little one?"

This one was an eye-opener as well.  I kinda figured that babies wiggled and that was exercise enough.  That would explain my morbid obesity (and all my wiggling)

"C'mon push it!  Feel the burn!"

Of course, there are the simple things that most people would just take for granted, like sleeping arrangements, but have you seen the price on cribs?  My goodness!  These days, thanks to the internet you can build anything out of an old used pallet.  I have not, however, been able to find the plans for a crib.  I did have an old dresser laying around but thanks to this next one, I now know better!

Now we all know, you have to be careful when you first bring home the baby.  You never know how your pets are going to act.  The last thing you want is a scene from "When good pets go bad."


Upon further investigation I discovered babies need lots of baths.  I just hope the garden hose is thawed out by April.  I did check the dryer and I don't see a baby setting on it anywhere.  Which is odd because it has a setting for everything else.

"Perhaps I should have used the steam cycle.  Would that wash and dry at the same time?"

Of course after the bath you need to wrap the baby up tight so she stays warm.  Apparently any old thing will not work.

"Just don't set me next to the trash, please."

As a big lover of fried chicken, I was anxiously awaiting our first chicken dinner together.  It seems as though I may have to wait a bit.

"Just give this one to Pops, he'll eat it."

And on par with eating, I was hoping to have some late night coffee sessions with the little miss.  If she wakes up any time after 4 AM, I might as well just stay awake and I'm not a fan of warm milk.

Mocha Soy Latte?

I heard a screaming baby in the store yesterday and I chuckled.  "That won't happen to me," I thought.  "I got that all figured out already.   Apparently not!

"I love you, man!"

So as you can see I still have a long ways to go but thankfully I have the internet and when that fails me (and it will) I always have my wife.  She has already raised two babies, although sometimes I prefer my own twisted approach.

Hope you all have a great week and feel free to leave your favorite baby parenting technique in the comment section.  Well...non-violent technique that is.



  1. Those were hilarious! You mean you can't put them in the dryer? Bummer.
    The last one makes sense. You'll need the booze, not the baby.

  2. I've seen some of these and they are so funny :) I think it is a fear all of us soon to be parents have with wondering how it will be to take care of a newborn. Both my kids are adopted; I remember the first round thinking "oh no, don't give me a newborn, I'll kill it, I won't know what to do with it." Our daughter was one when we adopted her; we managed to raise her just fine and she's 30 now :) Of course there's those trials and errors; a learning curve I guess you call it. Three and a half years later we welcomed home her 6 day old brother; I felt more prepared for a newborn then, but of course there was that learning curve with him. He's 26 this year and will be a father for the first time in February, so now he'll be experiencing the joys of learning to parent.

    You'll do just fine :)

    Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours!


  3. OMG..these pictures were hysterical. Two made me laugh especially. 1)..I was born 2 weeks before Thanksgiving. My mother claims she let me suck on a turkey bone. 2)..My mother told me she rubbed my gums with whiskey when I was teething!!! Can you even imagine? Today she'd be arrested but 55 years ago I guess it was ok?? Crazy. I mean after all...look at me. LOL

    1. And that was one grateful turkey, lemme tell ya.
      BA DUM BUM

  4. Pity. I'd so kick a baby's butt in chess.
    Words With Friends?
    Yeah, not so much.

  5. I never had one of those babies myself, but I think you can toss them in the washer if you set it on "delicate" cycle. Right?

    Good luck to you, Bushman. Better you than me. Or Al Penwasser.


Leave your comment here please.