If you want to increase your success rate, double your failure rate.

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

And there was light.....

He raced home from work, fed the dogs, said hi to the bird and jumped in the shower.  He was nervous, no... excited, well..... nervously excited he thought as the hot water rolled across his shoulders easing some of the tension that had been building all day.  Mindful of the short time that was available he didn't linger in the steam like he normally did. 

In short order he was dressed, even a nice sweater and jeans complete with a dash of cologne. 
He tried had to remember the last time he had used the tiny amber spray bottle and any form of recollection escaped him.  He couldn't think anyways.  His mind was a cluster bomb of ideas and questions and even though he tried to lie to himself, a little fear and a little doubt.  He cast aside the latter and perched on the edge of the couch anxiously waiting for his wife to return from work.

As they exited the car and made their way across the dimly lit parking lot his nervousness began to amplify and he considered just turning around, getting back in the car and pretending this never happened.  His feet thought otherwise and they carried him across the asphalt and through the front door of the building.  Stepping over thae cast out cigarette butts and crunching through the salt crystals that had been scattered on the sidewalk to prevent any ice build up

Suite 202 was the destination, the elevator jumped, mimicking his stomach and abruptly came to a halt while his stomach continued on.  They left the elevator and found suite 202.

Inside a couple sat a small conference table.  At one end a pile of paperwork and a water bottle and at the other end an assortment of cookies, fruit water and soda.  Next to that some red colored folders with the word ORIENTATION stickered slightly off center.  He thought about looking through the stack for a sticker that was centered but withheld and took one from the top.  He nodded at the couple and took a seat  at the far end of the table.  His wife sat next to him and they both proceeded to shuffle papers and pretend they were actually reading.

A young lady approached them and introduced herself.  At first he didn't realize that she was the host as his thoughts were lost in a stack of papers he had clumsily spewed from the folder.  His wife nudged him in the back, whispering his name, he looked up and with all the grace of a 7th grader asking his first girl out on a date, said hi and shook her hand.  Not the best start he thought to himself.

She began the presentation shortly after and the more she spoke, the more bewildered he became.  Every word, every pamphlet, every folder she produced was another straw on the camels back and he began to wonder if he was here for the right reasons.  The massive pile of paperwork seemed to double in size every ten minutes.

He asked a few questions but mainly stayed quiet.  He tried to absorb as much information as he could but it was difficult.   The meeting ended approximately 1 hour and 20 minutes after it had began.  The man left with his wife.  The elevator didn't seem to jump as much this time.  Either that or his mind was lost and his stomach had settled itself.  Not much was said on the way home.  A brief exchange on the topic but mostly just the sound of Christmas music on the radio.  Bruce Springsteen wailing to the world to have a White Christmas.

All the next day he thought about the meeting.  What was it really all about?  What were his reasons?
Was this all about him?  He felt selfish.  He tossed ideas around in his head all day and by quitting time was no closer to finding answers than he was when he awoke that morning.

The only thing he was certain of was that if it did happen it had to be for the right reasons.
He thought long and hard.  What he wanted was a little one to follow him around, someone to teach all the things that he loved.  Someone to run into his arms and hug him and say Daddy is home.  Someone to fill the void that always remained empty. 

Was this the correct path?  Foster care?  Having children in your home, loving them, nurturing them and making their world a better place yet the goal is always going to be reunification with their birth family and ultimately his loss again.  This was for the kids not for him.  If he was going to do this then it needed to be about the kids.  Not about filling his void or making himself happy. 
The kids.  The damn kids.

He wondered if he could walk away.  His heart had already peeked through the door into a world where he had once been long ago.  His heart had seen the pain, the tears and the longing to just be loved for who you are not who you belong to.  His heart had seen it, not just through the door of suite 202 but through his own life.  He had spent time being tossed about.  He had been the bottle in the ocean adrift in the raging torrents of emotion, abuse, cruelty and hate.  The damn kids.

He was the damn kid.  Damn, damn, damn.  The circle had turned it's last turn.  It was headed home.
That was when it hit him.  It was about him because he was everyone of those kids lost at sea.  Loving them was loving himself. 

The giant red folder didn't seem so daunting now.



  1. Wow!! That was remarkable Bushman! You need to write more. It's definitely your forte. I would love to see more.

  2. Amazing and I felt it with every word I read.

  3. Bushman, as Dani and Amy said, "remarkable" and "amazing" sum it up beautifully.

    Knowing the back story, a little, I feel your anguish, pain, sadness, and grief...but I also take from this a sense of awareness - you are willing to move forward taking yourself (and your inner child) along for the ride, a great ride, one you know you need.

    I think this is a wonderful Christmas story...I hope it comes true and that we will be getting more exciting adventures from you and ??, a little buddy perhaps!

    Merry Christmas, Bushman, Merry Christmas. I hope you will be sharing a post on "the getting of the tree too". That's always a favourite...vicariously I find myself out there searching for the right tree alongside you and your family. I hope you get together for this tradition again this year. :)

  4. We are supposed to be doin that this Saturday. Our Daughter has had a bug for two das now so i am hoping she will be well enough to go out and do this on Saturday. My decorations are scattered around the den right now and it is bugging me!! :) (wifey)

  5. Very touching Jeff! Thank you for sharing and thank you to Angel for posting on FB!
    Best Wishes and God Bless you!

  6. What a sweet story (I wanted to say 'touching' but Anonymous beat me to it).
    Hey, great picture up top, you manly bow hunting fella you.


Leave your comment here please.