If you want to increase your success rate, double your failure rate.

Saturday, August 2, 2014

21 Reasons to have or not to have sex

I read an article on Facebook this morning.  It was titled 21 reasons to have amazing sex everyday  I'll admit the only reason I read it was because it had sex in the title. (they sure know how to get our attention don't they?)

I decided to read it and compare it to the article I wrote titled 9,876,543 Reasons to Have Sex Everyday and see if there were any similarities.  I found a few.

The article was written by a psychiatrist and one time I gave advice to someone so there is similarity number one.  Starting off with gusto here.

Reason #1
Look younger.
Not on my list.
Now I'm not sure how that works.  I scare myself when I'm naked so I imagine those lines on the corner of her eyes are from wincing in disgust.

Reason #2
Boost your fertility
Not on my list
I just sent the last kid off to college yesterday.  The house is empty and quiet.  Think I'll try that out for awhile.  I'll be 40 in 8 days.  My sperms do not need performance enhancing stimulants thank you very much.

Reason #3
Fights Colds and Flu
Definitely not on my list
I'll stick with Nyquil.  Nothing says I love you like laying on top of your mate while snot runs on to their chest.  Damn, damn, damn.
This may help some

Reason #4
Disease proof your body
Not on my list.
I thought this was actually a good way to acquire diseases but hey who am I?

Reason #5
Lengthen your life
Nope not on my list
The study revealed people who climaxed once a day had a 50% less chance of dying from medical problems.  The flip side of that is guys who bug their wife for sex everyday have a 50% higher chance of dying from blunt force trauma.  I'll call that one a wash.

Reason #6
Shift your middle-aged spread and keep fit
Not even close to making my list
Their study says Thirty minutes of sex burns 100 calories.
Thirty FU%&$# minutes?  The average male lasts only 3 minutes per session.  That's 3.3 calories burned each time.  Do the math.  If I drank 7 beers I would have to have sex 262 times to burn off all those calories.  That would kill me. Which negates reason # 5 as well

Reason #7
Ease those nasty period cramps
Are you kidding me?  Not on my list
Have you ever asked your mate to have sex while she is doubled up in pain and writhing on the floor?
I would never make that mistake.........again.
"Hey baby lookin sexy, how's about a go 'round?"

Reason #8
Help lower you risk of incontinence
This one is all for her benefit.  Something about exercising pelvic floor muscles and what not.
Whenever I feel like exercising I just lay down until the feeling goes away.  No women wants to have sex everyday anyways so this one just doesn't make sense to me.

Reason #9
Prevent a heart attack
My list?  Nope.
I'll quote the entire thing here:
"Lots of studies have found that regular sex can ward off heart attacks, not bring them on as it was once feared. One study at Queen’s University Belfast found that having sex three times a week could halve your risk of having a heart attack or stroke. Another study in Israel found that women who had two orgasms a day were up to 30% less likely to have heart disease than those who did not enjoy sex or didn’t have an orgasm."
What exactly are women in Israel doing?  With all the bombing and terrorism they still find time in their schedules to have orgasms twice a day?  That's what I call a woman!
My thoughts have always been to have my heart attack while in the throes of passion.  Go out with a bang!  (Of course it will have to be a heart attack that starts and finishes within 3 minutes)

Reason #10
Increase your attractiveness to others
Quite the opposite of my list but whatever floats your boat
In my days if you had lots of sex you were called easy.  I'm easy, I'll admit it but it isn't beneficial by any means.  Besides I think attractiveness to others is a a covert word for jealousy.

Reason # 11
Smooth out wrinkles
Didn't make my list because, while it is true that it does smooth out the wrinkles, they come right back after you're done.
What do you mean that's not the body part they were talking about?

Reason #12
Give yourself a healthy glow
This was not on my list because healthy glows are known to cause cancer in the State of California.
Playing it safe here!
Honey I think the cat was watching

Reason #13
Lower your blood pressure
Not on my list either.
I was hoping to raise my blood pressure so there is no need for those little blue pills.  Seems contradicktory!

Reason #14
Improve Self Esteem
Sort of on my list.
I had it listed as bragging and boasting.  Both make you feel good about yourself as does teasing the other guys at work because "somebody got lucky last night"

Reason #15
Banish Depression
This wasn't on the list because it is a double edged sword.
If you don't have sex it leads to depression.
Got an Elvis thing going on here with this one.

Reason #16
Cure that headache
I'm a big fan of this one.  It was on my list
This is because making love causes a surge in the “love” hormone ­oxytocin, plus other feel-good ­endorphins, which can ease pain.
Unfortunately she won't buy into it.

Reason #17
Slash Stress
Another one on my list
people who'd had sex in the last 24 hours coped better with stressful ­scenarios –
I find everything in life to be stressful so therefore....

Reason #18
Beat Insomnia
Another good reason
What's the first thing you want to do after sex (besides have more sex) SLEEP!

Reason #19
Strengthen your bones
This was one of the top ten on my list
The human body has 206 bones
When I'm with her I have 207
Nuff said.
Nice bones Baby!!!

Reason #20
Cut your risk of Prostate cancer
It might be on my list somewhere but I need to erase it.
I just found out that sex causes prostate cancer...especially in California.
Besides isn't that on the wrong side of the sex dealy thing-a-ma-jig?

Last but not least
Reason # 21
Feel better all day
If you're still reading at this point then you must be really bored.
This one is the best one of them all.
Plain and simple, can't argue.
Now go have sex!

So there you have it.  21 reasons to have sex everyday.
If you should need additional reasons please feel free to consult me.  My book
9,876,543 Reasons to Have Sex Everyday is available for purchase on Amazon for the low price of $432.

Now if I can just wake her up.  I'll tell her I'm just trying to make her day less stressful, prevent a headache, improve her self esteem, make her look good to other people, keep her from peeing her pants, smooth out her wrinkles and make her look younger!

I don't see where this can fail.  Thanks psychiatrist person, you made this so much easier!



  1. Prevent a heart attack?
    What did they say about mastur...oh, I've said too much already.

  2. Wow, what a list. Thirty minutes of sex burns 100 calories? Yeah, you know what else burns 100 calories? 10 minutes of light running. Is America so fat that we have to treat sex like some kind of miracle workout?

  3. By the way, I just lessened my risk of a heart attack.
    TMI! TMI!


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