If you want to increase your success rate, double your failure rate.

Friday, August 8, 2014

WTF is wrong with your garden?

So I asked myself the other day

Self, what the hell did you do wrong?

I glanced around, no one was present.
"What are you talking about," I said aloud.

I often talk to myself out loud.  Of course I check to see if anyone is looking, or listening.  I don't want to come off as a confirmed crazy, I just want to keep people guessing.  Besides conversation flows so much better with voice than it does by thinking.  It holds my attention while the silent conversation gives me a chance to wander..Oh wow, look,  a squirrel!

The fact that your tomato plants are awful looking.  I get embarrassed when people see them and people can't even see me.

"I'm a little upset myself but there isn't much I can do about it right now."

You can cut them down, burn them and tell everyone you never planted them in the first place.

"I could do that but then I wouldn't have any tomatoes this season.  It's only early blight,  it won't affect the actual fruit."

But it's so uglyyyyyyyyyyyy!

"Shut up stupid," I yell at him.  "It will be fine"

So this blight thing...did you catch it from Detroit?

"Awww man why you gots to blame this shit on Detroit?"

"It's not that kind of blight you idiot.  It's called early blight."

Oh, that's too bad cause I had already started making poster boards.

"Oh my gosh are you kidding me?"  

Sorry, I don't know what the hell you are thinking.  I'm just your mind ya know, it's not like I pay attention.  You of all people should know that.

"There really isn't a cure.  It is a fungus that lives in the soil.  When the rain hits the soil it splashes up the fungus spores onto the plant where they infect it and slowly start killing it."

So this won't work?  

"Mother fucka,  what I tell you about this  Detroit shit!"

" I give up.  You are impossible.
Everything is fine the tomato plants just partied too hard last night"

Oh, I get it now.

As you can tell I have the blight again this year.  I thought I had a good shot at keeping it sequestered this year but it came back even worse.  The cool weather and frequent rains inevitably helped it along.

I have a new plan for next year but until then I have to deal with this nasty epidemic.  I have a few plants that have almost zero leaves on them.  I keep pruning the infected ones off and spraying with a fungicide.   They get barer by the week.

So to give you a good idea of the transformation of my tomato plants within the last few weeks here is a synopsis.

It is quite the awful sight.  Tragedy in fact.  
There won't be much canning going on this year.  Salsa production will be extremely limited at best.  
Too much rain and cool weather during the time when the garden needed it most.  Mother Nature can be such a heartless bitch.

Look at me!  Don't you think I have better things
to worry about than weather?

Poor Archer, the scarecrow, standing out in the garden protecting a bunch of crackhead looking plants.  I bet he's pretty embarrassed too.  I bet he feels a little naked without all the vegetation.

Hey!  Need some coverage here!!
So for now I'll just laugh it off.  Things could be worse.

Like this!


  1. That butt crack was pretty funny.
    But, why is that dude walking around with a urine sample? Shouldn't he get to a lab or something?
    On a side observation: he must have had a lot to drink.

  2. Crack is whack, yo.

    I hate when my veggies have a hard year. Tomatoes always seem to be the most finicky, so you just gotta remember: it happens. Turn 'em into salsa anyway and make them beefier (pun intended) next year.


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