If you want to increase your success rate, double your failure rate.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Surviving Walmart

It was a close call but I made it.  Amidst the hodgepodge of Chinese made items and squirrely rednecks I managed to secure my foothold in the express lane and check out with my senses still intact although slightly bewildered.
OK I'll back up.  When I get to the beginning I will fast forward giving you only the bits and pieces you need to get the gist of the story.

September- early doe season.  Two deer in the freezer.
October -Overhaul mouse eaten pop up camper for hunting pilgrimage to the north woods.
Still October.  Decide to remove AC unit from camper and sell on Craig's List.
Everything from here on out is still October, probably didn't need to point that out but I was just at Walmart.
Guy buys AC within 3 hours of posting.  $200 in my pocket.  Time to go to Dunhams sporting goods for some seasonings to make jerky and sausage from deer in freezer.  To wife and daughter,"let's go".
In the car driving wife says, "oh I need to stop at walmart."  Accident almost occurs when she says the W word.  Uhhhhhh I guess. 
Now I can tell you I don't like Walmart and do not go there unless forced by above mentioned wife.  (oh the dreaded power they have anyways)  "Fine" I say after a bit of grumbling and whining.  I figure I'll just sit in the car.  Pull in the parking lot and wife and daughter exit vehicle.
After a minute I decide I might be able to find something in the hunting section for my upcoming pilgrimage.
Exit vehicle and begin journey into foreign territory.
I don't know where these people come from because I have never seen them around town.  Not in any other store, bar, restaraunt, video center or tanning salon.  I imagine this small village somewhere west of here, why west?  Just seems right I guess.  In this village is all these people that are frankly: weird, redneck, hillbilly, malnourished, deformed, psychotic, trailer trash, white trash, ghetto, gangsta,fat chicks whose clothes don't fit and I can see their underweat halfway up there back and stains down the front of their shirt, screaming fit throwing children with sandals on when it's 25 degrees outside, well I think you get the point.  It's like that movie The Hills Have Eyes.  Well guess what people they get there freakin eyeglasses from Walmart.

I made it though.  Funny thing was I get this text from wife asking where I am.  Jewelry I respond because I have gathered up my things and looking for her now.  She responds waiting at car and you have keys.  Touche' I think.  That's what you get for making me go to Walmart.  To make this long story a bit longer here is what I bought.

Handwarmers, to keep my little 17 yr old, 6 ft 2in,  baby boy warm while on stand at deer camp. Warm socks 4 pr. $5, game dressing gloves, and a face mask for bowhunting, my old one is all faded out.
In the end it was worth it and I did make it to Dunham's for my seasoning.  I just wish they would have built Dunhams farther away from Walmart.  Last night Kaitlin and I sasoned up about 6 lbs of jerky that I will smoke today and I drained the venison burger overnight and will make snack sticks and pepperoni sticks from that today.  Side note; Kaitlin is none too happy that she is not going to deercamp.  I will have to work on that for next year.  We've never had a girl in deer camp. 


  1. Okay, I just read my first "Bushman" post and found myself truly LOL. I go to WalMart about once a year and it's always an experience. As for the characters one encounters . . . all I can add is "Preach it Brother!" We love the fashion statements. My husband often comes out with his sweats hiked to his ears and flipflops with socks - to say he's ready to go to WallyWorld. And I tell him he forgot his belt. :D

  2. Thanks for visiting Vickie! I just recieved confirmation that I have been outbid on my coffe pot on e-bay. Unfortunatley with shipping added to bid the one at Walmart is cheaper so guess what? This time I think I might wear a football helmet and cowboy boots when I go. We'll call it Walmart camoflauge!

  3. OK, this is too funny. I can't remember why, but for some crazy reason we went to Walmart a few weeks ago. Those very same people were in our Walmart and I said to my husband, "where do they come from?" I too have never seen the "likes" in our community. I was relieved to get through the checkout without anyone I knew seeing me. If I had seen anyone I knew, I know I would have been making excuses and explaining why I was there. :-)

  4. Exactly Lea Ann. Why do we feel so weird about shopping at Walmart? I suppose in some way we all live in that litle village to the West of here.....or at least on the outskirts.
    It's the admission that hurts. Eureka!!!!
    Thanks for reading!!


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