If you want to increase your success rate, double your failure rate.

Monday, January 31, 2011

Roosters and Whoopie Cushions

Oh shit I have a dentist appointment today!!  That's what was going through my mind at 9am today.  What time is it?  Is that little business card doohickey still in the pocket of my jacket?  Did I wear this jacket last time?  That was 6 months ago hell no I didn't even wear a jacket in August.  Hmmm better call Mama and get the scoop.  This is a good reason why I'm married.  My teeth would fall out if I wasn't.
OK 4pm appt. time.  I'll leave work at 3:15, run home and brush my teeth (you only bring your toothbrush to work when you remember duhhhh) feed the dogs and then race to the dentist.  Typical.  I should cancel.  Guy in my head just reminded me how sensitive my teeth become twice a year and it just happens to be one of those times.  I like my dentist and my dental assistant though and if I wanna keep 'em (teeth) I gotta go.
And why do they try to talk to you when your mouth has a shovel and an ice pick in it anyways? 
I figure if I get the last appt of the day then they will be in a hurry to get home and won't lolly gag (emphasis on the gag) around.  Scrape my teeth with a rusty chainsaw chain and polish with steel wool that smells reminiscent of ABC mint gum and I'll be out the door drooling and gasping in pain as the cold air hits my freshly polished munchers.  Nope.  I believe they want me to get the full service treatment.  I get, not only great (albeit one sided) conversation I also get introduced to bone jarring, fist clenching, tear jerking sensitive root pain.  I don't know what else to call it but the ice pick on my # 14.  Holy Mother Fu&$@ Crap.
I believe I jumped out of the chair a good 4 inches.  The tears streaming down my cheek should have been a dead give away.  Nope.  One more poke.  This time I cry out.  Sort of a cross between someone stepping on an angry rooster and a whoopie cushion.  Not sure where the whoopie cushion sound was emitted from either.
So she says, "Oh you got a tender spot huh?"  One more jab.  My toes curled all the way back to my heals and I was wearing work boots.  The rooster once again jumped on the whoppie cushion and I said,"Yowza"
I actually did say that.  I also say howdy and I am not even a cowboy.  Go figure.  This time she apologized and I told her that she almost made me piss my pants.  She laughed!  Apparently 36 yr old men peeing in her dental chair is comical.  Huh!  So then of course I am as nervous as a guy standing next to Micheal J Fox holding a hand grenade.  She says she won't touch that spot again.  Then she says no really I won't and it's then I realize my body is stiff as a board and my mouth has snapped shut faster than Rikki Lake on a chicken leg.    After that I sort of block everything out I guess because the next thing I know she is handing me my green toothbrush and I am walking out the door.    I love my dentist.

Porn title for the post is.......Sorority Sluts Study Hard-Tuition Time.    I really would like to visit that college.
Picture of the post

1 comment:

  1. That sounds like my dad, do they make straps to hold you down to the chair? They should, because he needs them. You cry out, he's been known to lash out. Two things he hates Clowns, and the Dentist. Kind of ironic that he married one huh?


Leave your comment here please.