If you want to increase your success rate, double your failure rate.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Watch what you say.....and where you nap!

I never meant to step on my own tongue, shit just happens.  I have this issue about speaking before thinking or something like that.  Dad always said it was gonna be my downfall.  Anyways Dad said a lot of things I never paid attention to.  Like smashing mailboxes with a bat is a federal offense or one of these days the cops are gonna come knocking.  Well they did and it is but that's not the story here this one is just a simple one liner that slipped out and it cost me in the end.  The bitch of it is, its been done before and I never should have fell for it let alone repeated it but like I said my Dad told me.....

I was heading into the store for some Limburger cheese and some 3 day old smelt to make a fish sandwich representative of the one they sell at Burger King when this very pregnant lady walked by my car.
She had 3 very ill-behaved children behind her, fighting over an apparently just bought, little league baseball bat and one small little girl in the seat of the cart just out of diapers who was screaming at the top of her little lungs with snot streaming from every orifice on her face.  In fact she was almost choking on it.  The three young ones in tow might have been a pair of twins and a single,  not sure, the dirt on their face was quite camouflaging.  I was taken aback slightly but being raised in a crack house I was used to sights that would unnerve Howard Stern.  So I don't know why I said it but it just slipped out and none too quietly......
 "Like you need another one!"

She paused only for a second, almost unnoticeable, continued to her beat up Dodge mini van and unloaded her groceries and children.  I watched her for a second, thinking she had heard me but then realized she must have not because she was unloading and packing snot nosed children into the van.  I shook my head and turned to walk into the store.
 I was ten paces or so from the door when I heard,"Hey asshole"!
I turned (mainly because that's my other name) and there she was standing in front of my car with the baseball bat that the three boys had been fighting over.
 I could see the fire in her eyes from 30 yards away.  Her smug look with the curve of her smile just barely turned up.  I was too far away to stop her and she gave me a quick nod and blew out my windshield with that Louisville slugger bat that was in child's size. 
I half screamed, half yelled and was slightly embarrassed by the sound of it and took off in a shambling flip flop wearing run towards her and the million crumbles of glass that now coated the parking lot in a demonic, dazzling, diamond display.
When I was a mere 4 feet from grabbing the bat from her hands she swung.  She swung hard would be a better description.  The aged and dried ash made an eerie crack as it landed upside my head and the last thought I had was the song "I smashed his head with an aluminum baseball bat, my name is Mud!"

I was awakened shortly thereafter by the honking of a horn and I realized I had fell asleep in the drive thru at the bank.  I had stopped there to withdraw cash to go to the store.  I pulled the car out of line and into the shade of a large Ash tree.  I needed to collect my thoughts and my head hurt!!
I didn't go to the store that day but as I was pulling out of the bank a mini van drove by, packed full of snot nose kids and the lady driving it looked at me and smiled with a slight wave of her hand.



  1. Wow just wow. Your dreams make mine seem less like an LSD induced trance than they actually are.

  2. Oh and you need to read my post for tomorrow.

  3. Wow, that's just plain trippy.

    And, of course, waking up like that and not being in your own bed would make it that much more disorienting.

    It's strange how dreams sometimes leave you with physical feelings too. I wonder if it's that we have the headache and have a dream that fits that in ... or if the headache comes from the dream.

  4. thank goodness it was a dream. Message in there I reckon

  5. Great descriptions! I was right there with you. Describing that woman and her disgusting children, well, I WISH I wasn't with you, but I was...

  6. I felt a twitch coming on reading this.

  7. Shit and tongue in the same sentence (plus, they're right next to each other). Ewwwwww.....
    Plus, if you can step on your tongue, you gotta be real popular with the ladies. ;-)

  8. Oh and don't forget to read my blog today. Like right now. Because you won my giveaway of the zombie book.

  9. Great post. Definitely reminds me of the old LSD and Peyote days. hahaha.


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