If you want to increase your success rate, double your failure rate.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Thirsty Thursday and My Top Ten (with bonus Booger Wiper feature)

I wasn't expecting the doorbell to ring.  It rang anyways.  I was in the middle of a beer and a bag of chili cheese Fritos and had been wiping the red crumbs on my light, tan shorts.  I stood up, frantically trying to wipe the chili streaks from my shorts as well as lick them from my fingers, and half walked, half stumbled to the front door.  Seems as though my leg had fallen asleep during my munchie session and Montel Williams was not exciting enough to keep it awake.  As I limped to the door I wondered who the hell could it be.

I opened the door without peeking through the curtains trying to keep it a surprise.  I had no bill collectors and no one should be trying to repossess my car. (again)  I had no worries.  I suppose I should have been a bit more cautious or prepared.  Either way I was dumbfounded to see two gentlemen standing at the door wearing suit jackets and dark sunglasses.  I'll admit my first thought was of Will Smith and  from that crazy Alien show (the title escapes me just now) but that was fantasy and I quickly snapped out of it when they asked me if I was Mr. Bushman......  A Mr. Jeffrey Bushman? 

Quickly my mind raced through the weeks prior and almost overheated trying to think of anything I had done wrong that would bring these men to my door.  The worst I could find was skipping out on a cup of coffee at work and I told myself I would pay the 25 cents when I returned to work the next day. 
I answered with a yes that mimicked a 14 year old boy going through the first round of puberty. 
My heart was thumping and thumping hard, I could feel the blood coursing through my arteries.  I knew I would soon have a headache.

The taller of the two men spoke up first,"Mr Bushman we would like you to come with us to the station for questioning?"  I stood there mute.  Was this Scare Tactics?  I had been watching this on TV and I looked at the first man and jeered,"Nice try I watch that show your not busting my balls on some fake shit so people can laugh at me."  Once the word ME cleared my mouth his fist smashed directly into it.  I could hear the lip pop and could see the blood droplets spraying through the air and coating the man's fist for a split second before my eyes welled up.

I knew this was not Scare Tactics when I felt the handcuffs encircle my wrists and felt my shoulder roar with pain as they half dragged and half carried me to the shiny, black sedan parked in my gravel coated driveway.
They threw me in the open trunk and slammed the lid and in doing so smashed my head making a dull hollow thumping sound.  The two men took no notice.
Even in the dark of the trunk I saw the stars briefly before losing conscious.

When I awoke I was in a small room.  handcuffed to a plastic chair which in turn was bolted to the floor.  A table, also bolted to the floor, stood in front of me.  A chair, not bolted, sat opposite.  I had seen enough cop shows to know I was in an interrogation room.  My mind, clouded from the trunk lid blow, still tried to discern what it was that should bring me to such circumstances.
The door opened and my two "friends" entered.  This time without the sunglasses.  The one that did not strike me sat down in the opposite chair and then slid it backwards as if to tease me that I could not move and emphasize that he was the one in control.  He asked me in a very calm yet cold voice," Tell me what you know about the boogers"    My nerves screamed at me and I began to shake.  "I don't know what your talking about", I said.  "Bullshit", he screamed, "you've been running around work telling people you almost have it figured out who is wiping boogers on the bathroom walls.  You have deciphered that un/sub is left handed because the boogers are on the right wall of the stall and only a left handed person would wipe onto the right hand wall.  You also know who is left handed and who usually uses the north west stall.  Now tell us or this is going to get ugly!"

Hey did I tell you it's Thirsty Thursday and my Top Ten?
Don't worry about what you just read.  I didn't tell them anything.  This is my case and I'm gonna crack it.
Sick somebitches anyways.

So my beer for today, on Mr. Porkchop's recommendation, is Labatt Blue Light.  I love Labatt Blue but have never had the light version.  I'm glad I tried it.  It's good and still has the Labatt flavor we all love.  Thanks Porkchop!  In fact it took three of them just to write what I have above.  Partially because I drink fast but also because I type bad and correct everything as I'm typing because I don't trust spell check.  Why just the other day they hammered me for a word I use all the time "fu)%er".  It's a word right?

So I'm sure you wanna get to the top ten after my wasting your time on a booger story. (it's true there is a person at work wiping boogers) so without further adieu I give you my Top Ten:

#1  Mosquitoes are so cool........(at someone elses house)
#2  I have a few pictures that finally came through....(I will not describe just list at the end of this post)
#3  37 years old feels strangely like 36......(the whole time I thought I was the wrong age anyways)
#4  Early goose season is two weeks from today....(I just picked up another good hunt spot today)
#5  The drain in my utility room decided to plug up....(nice pool of water on the floor from running AC)
#6  Was able to unplug said drain......(after handfuls of....well not sure.. but it was stanky)
#7  Couldn't see throwing away the stuff clogging the drain....(made a nice red wine reduction sauce with it)
#8  Have to make our first mortgage payment next week.....(and that's where the fun ends)
#9  Picked up a nice little gift pack of Punch Cigars after work today.....( almost ready to fire at will)
#10 I feel pretty damn happy right now.............( Your Turn!)

Here are my lost pics.  Bathroom and duck boat.

Thanks my friends!


  1. Do you work at a pre-school? Or are these grown ass adults wiping boogs on the wall?? Either way, ewwww!!

  2. It's pretty gross if those boogers came from an adult. Why are people so gross?

  3. When I got to "When I awoke" I started laughing thinking 'wow, dude has some seriously intense dreams'(remembering the one with the pregger lady with the ball bat) but ... but ... it continued after "awoke"! LOL

    Only 3 huh? hmmm ... oh was that six pacts?

    EWWWW boogers on the wall?


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