If you want to increase your success rate, double your failure rate.

Friday, June 29, 2012

CRACKed PIPE and Pissy Rivers!

Sweat poured from my eyes as I lifted the post hole diggers high over my head.  Ka-Thunk!  They slammed into the earth and a shower of sweat droplets burst from my brow, landing on the hot steel of the diggers, leaving a dark stain on the scratched and worn out metal.
The thermometer on the garage read 98 degrees.  It was full western exposure, the sun was intense and within seconds the droplets vanished.
I grunted as I rose the diggers again, the muscles in my arms were screaming and my hands were all but numb from the constant slam of the steel into the dry clay soil.  Ka-Thunk, Ka-Thunk, Ka-Thunk.......

What the hell is that I wondered.  I bent over and peered into the hole.  Something black stared back at me. I wasn't sure what it was.  I raised the diggers higher than I had all day and with all my might slammed them into the hard packed soil.  Ka---rack!
Where the hell is the phone book?  Jezzus H Christ why isn't it where it's supposed to be.
Panic gripped me and the hairs on my neck were at full attention.  This was bad.  Very bad.
After several moments of racing around the house it hit me.  Dumb-ass use the internet.  Your not even sure you have a phone book.  I raced to the computer, typed the local directory into the Google browser and slammed my finger into the enter button which in turn caused that damn unreachable splinter to burrow its way even deeper into my finger.  I yowled with pain.  Damn, when it rains it pours.  A few minutes into my search and I found what I was looking for.  A-1 Septic Services.  I quickly dialed the number.

"Hello A-1 septic, how may I help you?"
" Hi my name is Bushman and I just broke the shit out of my septic pipe.  Well that's not entirely true the shit is still in the pipe, mostly, but some is leaking into the yard and I do have a little dab on my cheek and neck but anyways can I get someone to come and fix it?"
"I'm sorry sir but this is considered a holiday weekend and all services are temporarily suspended until the 5th of July".
"Oh c'mon lady you gotta be shitting me?"
"No I'm not sir I apologize for any inconvenience"
"Please mam, by the time the 5th of July gets here I'll have the equivalent of Mt. Everest in my back yard but it will be made entirely of ......
"Please sir do not swear anymore it is starting to piss me off!"
"Piss?  Did you just say piss?  Lady I'm on holiday and I drink lots of beer on holiday.  Have you ever seen the Nile river in someones back yard but instead of water it is piss?"
"Have you tried fixing it yourself sir?"
"Yeah I thought about it but there is too much shit in the way, oh poop,  I'm sorry I forgot you don't like swearing.  I have a crappy memory!"
"Did you just hang up on me?"

So today marks the first day of my 10 day holiday.  My agenda is to rebuild the deck for starters.
I started this morning tearing off all the decking.  I wanted to alleviate some of the weight before I replaced the posts that hold up the second story deck.
I went to the lumberyard and picked up 3 new 4x6x12 treated posts and three 80# bags of concrete.

Once home I went to work with a fervor.
The previous owners had pored a concrete footing and placed the posts on top of them.  The problem was the footings were only 18 inches deep and the posts were not anchored to the footing.  So the deck was pretty wobbly.  I removed the first post and busted out the concrete pad that it was sitting on.  Then I started digging the hole for the new post.  I had to go at least 36 inches deep to get below the frost line.  The first post was somewhere in the vicinity of the septic outlet pipe.
Everything went fine but what you read above was what I was thinking the entire time.
I managed to get two posts replaced today and will tackle the third one tomorrow.  Once they sit for a bit I will install new deck boards above.  Hopefully it will get rid of the wobbly deck.  Not to mention they painted it some sort of brownish red and it is ugly and wicked hot.
So luckily I avoided a catastrophe.......for now anyways!

Stay tuned for more crazy stuff.


  1. When I had a pool put in, I was wayyyyyyyy lucky. After busting my testicles trying to dig post holes for the fence which would ring the pool, I gave up and told Mrs. Penwasser I was going to avail myself of the services of "Bryan the Augur Man" (no kidding, that's how he was listed). Anyway, when Bryan arrived, he asked if I had marked all the underground crap (wires, cable, sump pipe outlet, the oil line going to the heater, etc.) before he activated his augur. I told him that I had. Well, Bryan took only 45 minutes to dig 56 holes (that was the best $250 I had ever spent. Well, except for that hooker in Dubai.....oops, that's another story). Anyway, when he left, I noticed a sliver of orange poking through one of the holes. The oil line was orange. Yep, one 1/4 inch miscalculation and I would have had the frikkin' Exxon Valdez in my yard. Lucky man, indeed.

  2. The funny thing is that the top part what just a story but Jeff did hit the propane line for real!! Karma the biach


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