If you want to increase your success rate, double your failure rate.

Thursday, April 30, 2015

Z is for long distance relationships

Today’s post is brought to you by the letter Z and the category of Memoirs

This is a post I wrote back in 2011 so it can be considered a memoir.  It is a funny little story of an enchanting woman from a faraway place.

Friday January13th 2011

Good Morning,
At the tone, the time will be 6:42 AM.

 I wasn't going to post anything this morning but when I stumbled out of bed to let whiner 1 and whiner 2 outside for a potty and back for breakfast and then back out for potty 2, I checked my e-mail, via phone, which was charging next to life giving machine (coffee pot) in the kitchen. 

Lo and behold I had an e-mail from a complete stranger by the name of Zarra. 
Zarra's e-mail is in Spanish.

 I took a couple years of Spanish in high school (21 long years ago) and so I started to decipher my way through.  

Now mind you, 2 years of high school Spanish buried in years of stress, kids, marriage, multiple jobs, and many, many beers, is sort of hard to hang on to. 

I can remember a few things.  Most have been forgotten so I was snickering at myself this morning as I stood there in my shorts, at 5:30 in the morning, while the dogs were out taking care of - things. 

Of course, my first thoughts were of a perverted nature, (sorry I'm a guy) so my translations were surmised accordingly.  Here ya go!
Espero que este correo se encontrará con usted en buenas condiciones. Mi nombre es Miss Zarra Konte. Soy origen de Costa de Marfil, Senegal, pero que viven en la actualidad. Soy una niña muy sola. su perfil me atrajo, mientras que yo estaba buscando conocer a mi media naranja. Me gustaría conocer a usted, ya que la tribu, la distancia y la edad no me importa. Me gustaría que me escriba a mi dirección de correo electrónico, para que yo pueda explicar más acerca de mí junto con mi imagen. Aquí está mi correo electrónico (zarrakonte@yahoo.com)

En espera de su respuesta.


My translation:

I wish that you are in good condition. (mostly, the latter half is how I derived this)
My name is Miss Zarra Konte.  (easy enough)
I am from the Coast of Marfil but actually live in Senegal.  (pero is but, vive is live, actualid? easy guess)
I am a solar girl ( maybe that means very tan.  I like tan girls!)
You perfect me nicely.  Meanwhile, I was cooking half of an orange.  ( just about all guessing now)
I like to cook and for you I will work.  (could be part of my fantasty?)
The distance is not important.  (won't the food get cold?)
I would like you to write me with directions to Radio Shack  (apparently into electronics)
From there I will explain myself but for now use your imagination.  ( giggity)
Here is my radio Shack number (this is where I realized it meant e-mail but c'mon radio shack is funnier)
Wishing for your requests,

Now my phone is small and it wasn't until I finished trying to translate that I see the little MORE link at the bottom. 

I'm thinking sexy picture.  (Woot Woot!)  

I press the little word on the screen quietly saying,” No whammies, no whammies.”
Guess what pops up?
The English version.

I hope that this mail will meet you in good condition. My name is Miss Zarra Konte. I am origin of Ivory-Coast, but living Senegal currently. I am a young pretty single girl. your profile attracted me while i was searching to meet my better half. i would like to get acquainted with you, since tribe, distance and age does not matter to me. I will like you to write me with my email address, so that i can explain to you more about me along with my picture. Here is my email (zarrakonte@yahoo.com)
Awaiting your reply.

I replied:

Dearest Zarra,
Unfortunately, I am very picky about tribal boundaries.  Age only matters if you are under 18 (laws are laws)
Distance? Have you seen the price of gas?  Besides long distance relationships just don't work.
I'm sorry, but it just isn't gonna work.  Just in case, do you have a sister that is very solar?
Bushman (not your kind of Bushmen)

So ended my wonderful relationship with the very pretty and young Zarra.  I wish I would never have hit the more button.  I liked my version better.  Oh well!

She probably looked like this anyways!

And so ends my alphabetical conquest.

I would like to thank everyone who journeyed this way and had a peek at the nonsense that lies within this blog.

Now it is back to writing the other stuff.

Farewell and feel free to visit whenever you would like.

I will be posting my reflections post n the days to come.



  1. Good for you for trying to figure out what was said in the email, I usually delete them. A/z has been an adventure; sure enjoyed it this year. I'm not writing a reflections post, but did enjoy the blogs visited. I wish you the best in the days ahead!


  2. That was hilarious! I liked your translation better. And now I have a new usage for solar.
    Congratulations on finishing the Challenge.

  3. I would not even try to translate except for running it through babelfish. Though I did take some German in college so I might try if it were German.
    Guten tag.

  4. Congrats on finishing AtoZ. I am glad there were no actual photos btw.lol

  5. Good on you for even attempting to translate, you did pretty good - hahahaha. Love the picture - would make J-Lo jealous with t booty like that.

    Congrats, Bushman, on a great A to Z run - I enjoyed being a teammate of yours… here's to a few days off! :)

    Jenny, Pearson Report
    2015 A to Z Challenge Ambassador

  6. I was kind of thrown off by the "orange" as well. I get so many emails from young hot women who are looking for someone like me. Where were all of them when I was single? It's probably a good thing they weren't looking for me then.

    Arlee Bird
    A to Z Challenge Co-host
    Join us on May 4 with your post of Reflections about this year's A to Z.
    Tossing It Out

  7. But, do you think that email from that Nigerian prince is still legit?

  8. I love your silly humor, Jeff. You're hilarious. Do you think she found someone else to direct her to Radio Shack? Did she send her more solar sister? The solar ones are hot, I agree.

    So glad for our connection.
    Congratulations on finishing this thing. Your writing and creativity impress me, as do your heart and humor.
    Happy weekend!

  9. That was a hoot! I've received emails like that from men and women. I just delete.

    Congratulations on making it to Z! And thank you for commenting on my co-host post Unicorn Bell. :)


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