If you want to increase your success rate, double your failure rate.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

A man in trouble!!

Yes that is the title of my new docudrama/reality show.

It's not animal hoarding (which I did catch a glimpse of today.)  234 cats in one house is not hoarding.  That is a psychotic episode that can be treated with Viagra.  How you say?  Keep taking them in rapid succession until either you or the cats disappear.  I guarantee it to work or your money back.  Trust me if your gone the cats will eventually disappear as well.  I am not an animal hater I love cats.  They taste like chicken.

It is not about drugs or alcohol (however you can draw your own conclusions as to how they relate to the story line)  I do like to watch the show Intervention.  I always cheer at the end when the people have stayed clean for months on end.  That is a great show to exemplify the human spirit and bring everything crashing back into reality and spoon feed you right in the gut!!

It is not about who can lose the most weight.  I filled out an application for that show but they said I wasn't fat enough.  Oh yeah I'll show you fat!!  Just kidding.  I have a hard time getting my shoes on because my feet are too far away from my body is all.  :) 

It is not about who is the best chef.  Lord knows we have enough of those already.  I need another DVR machine to keep up with them.  When the Top Chef gets Chopped in Kitchen Stadium and Rachel Ray stops being cute with an incredibly sexy voice then Gordon Ramsey will quit swearing and having Kitchen Nightmares.  Enough said I love em all but alas there is no food show intervention to save me.  Even blogging keeps me in the clutch of the likes as Big Dude, Cowgirl and the Montana Queen with their never ending delightfully, irresistible posts on culinary feats of extraordinaire!!  I'm fat enough just watching and reading!!

It is certainly not about surviving in the wild with only a possum's tail and a plastic fork missing one tine.  (Although if Cowgirl was with me we would be dining on smoked possum)  A survival blanket with two holes in it and an old snowmobile track.   For one I would never squeeze the juice form elephant dung and drink it.....without a stalk of celery and some Mrs. T's bloody mary mix!!  I would never eat raw fish....without a dozen oysters to compliment it.  And I would most certainly never walk endless miles of sand......y beaches without sunglasses so I could peak at lovely ladies without my wife knowing.  Trust me she knows anyways.

It would certainly not be about Non A-list celebrities.  Sorry Baldwin boys, Hasselhoff and Danny B.  Kathy you are in the mix too.  (although I do find you quite humorous)  I mean c'mon they are already celebrities list or no list.  Put someone else up there so they can enjoy the limelight too.  I'm ok with loving a nobody just not a has been.  By the way where is Punky Brewster these days?

I suppose I better get to the point.  I enjoy writing to much and I could keep you here all night, day or bathroom break.  Ewwww!

My show is about a man/husband/father (when you read that it should be pronounce man, slash, husband, slash and so on it's more dramatic that way plus it extends your bathroom break.)  My goodness I am addicted to parentheses.  There's something you haven't spelled in awhile.  Sorry!
The show and the slash guy are about to take on the joys of Christmas shopping and birthday shopping with only 2 days to go before Christmas.
He has a limited budget and can not write Thursday checks.  Remember them?
I threw the birthday in there cuz Momma just had hers on the 22nd.  Lawd knows you jist can't have da burfday presents wit da Christmas ones!!!  Sorry old lady from Stephen King's The Stand just came out.  Ol Mother Abigail. 
She could be the voice in the beginning of the show.  Something like,
"Now ol mister Jeffro done decided he had best get to buying the missus her gifts fo' he done runned ouda time".  I love that accent.  I could listen to that all day especially if it came with a pot of gumbo.
No really I did pretty good yesterday.  I can't go into details for obvious reasons.  Dah missus can git up on the smart box n read dis. 
It was fairly calm.  Tonight however I went to the store for a couple things to finish up dinner and look out!  You can always tell the last minute shoppers that can't find anything to buy and are in serious trouble of pissing their wives off because they are hauling out a shopping cart full of TV or vacuum cleaners or something else that will break the budget but keep the wives from gnashing their teeth.  My self I go with the motion sensor floodlight for my wife.  The ultimate perfect gift (especially if she knows how to wire it). 
That TV show would be hilarious.  If it aired before Christmas it might remind us nincompoops to get off our buts and get it done.  Yeah probably not. 
Car crashes at the mall, credit cards declined, horrible wrapped gifts.  That is the stuff that sells.  People love to watch other's misery.  Whatchoo think?

Our Christmas is tomorrow though.  This year the kids will be at their father's and step mother's for the 25th so we have ours on the 24th.  Two! yep count em 2 Christmas' for them.  It will be a fun day.  So tonight is our Christmas Eve dinner and we are having, not in any particular order, Calamari, shrimp, walleye, home cut french fries and a t-bone steak (for momma). 

Dinner at grandmas tomorrow.  Dinner at my house Christmas night.  I have a smoked turkey breast for that.  That's enough for now.  I did see this neat sign the other day and it may explain why I am not seeing many deer.

(I came back to edit.  Sorry you can't see it.  It says car deer buckpole.  People hang parts of their car on the pole that came in contact with the deer.)

I love living in a redneck town.  Those crazy ideas you have....they are ok for public display.
Last but not least I was totally serious about the light. :)

See that look?  Totally in love with it.  Homerun all the way!!!
Merry Christmas my friends!!

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