If you want to increase your success rate, double your failure rate.

Saturday, December 3, 2011

Poo and Cigars...breakfast of champions!

Man does my cat ever poop a lot.  How can such a tiny little rat be filled with so much poo?
I need to move this computer downstairs soon.  I just cleaned the litter and now he's in there dropping a deuce.  WTF?  Makes you sort of feel diminished, perhaps bonded into servitude once the little freak joined the household.  I shouldn't have to scoop another creature's poo while my hand is a mere 6 inches away from that crunchy little tootsie roll!  At least with the dogs I can use a shovel and stand upwind.
All I can say is he's lucky I have a serious chipmunk and mouse problem.  Outside people!  I don't have chipmunks and mice scampering about my house.  (yet) 
I haven't seen a chipmunk in awhile.  Maybe they are down in Cozumel for the winter.  I'm sure they pawned off all the birdseed they stold from me.  As hard as I try I just can't see the cuteness in a chippy.  I mean c'mon;  Alvin, Simon, Theodore?  They will drive you bat shit crazy in no time at all.   I can almost hear them now, in their little high pitched voices.  "Gee Dave, Bushman is a lot stupider than he looks.  We nabbed 10 lbs of bird seed off that moron."  Then they break into song.

Bushman, Bushman,
what a moron is he
Bushman, Bushman
all the birdseed you need

Although I'm sure the lyrics would be different and they would have a guest appearance with Lady GaGa.

Everything is always tied to something else.  You notice that?  I start talking about poo and trace it all the way back to Lady GaGa.  Coincidence?  I don't think so.
I'm sure if I thought about it I could get Kevin Bacon in there somehow.  But I won't.  And I will start sentences with conjunctions all night long.  I've seen it done and sometimes it works.
Speaking of work.  I had to work today.  On a Saturday no less.  Oh well.  Time for a beer or ten.

Now I live in a bi-level, which is nice, there is usually at least one level that is clean at any given time.  And (see I told you) you get more exercise in a bi-level.  For instance:
I am precariously perched upon a crappy office chair in the far North East corner of the house, upper level.
My beer is in the garage which is in the far South West corner of the house and down two flights of stairs.
I drink light beer (usually) which contains about 96 calories.  If I leave the beer in the garage then I will burn up to 10 calories on my trek to retrieve it.  So every 8 beers calls for a free one.  Math.  Never one of my strong points then again neither was sobriety.  Speaking of sobriety......no wait I can't remember...never mind.
I stopped on my way home from work and picked up a couple cigars.  I haven't had a smoke in a long time.  Problem is it's cold in the garage.  So my idea is to have a few beers, burn about 40 calories, (you do the math) and head down to the garage for a smoke.  Beer makes things warmer in case you didn't know.  It's a short term thing (like employment in this state) but long enough for a small cigar.  Of course while I'm down there I will have a couple more beers with my cigar.  Calories burnt...not enough to count.  Who cares what is this Jenny Craig goes to Milwaukee with a boat full of Cubans?  I would watch that by the way.  Of course I'll watch just about anything.  The other night I watched Rudolph.  My favorite part is where he lands on the island and meets the little meth head Charlie in the Box.  You know that guy is screwed up.  How'd ya like to watch that movie on magic mushrooms?  Makes you wonder if those square wheels on the choo choo would be round after all and the abominable snow man was actually Lou Ferigno and it was misspelled and should have been the abdominal snowman?  Hey enough with the grateful dead innuendos it's Christmas season after all.  I have a bag full of lights to put up on the house.  I figure I would get them up around the 23rd.  No I'm not a procrastinator just a realist is all.  I am hoping our Christmas this year is budget minded.  If so people will be giving me the presents I am suppose to give to them.  It really is a holiday based on money.  Depressing sometimes.  I just wanna hang out with friends and family, eat, drink and be merry.  Except for that one relative because he always wants to be gay instead of merry and I don't do well with that.
Well hells bells I've reached the 40 calorie mark and as promised headed down for a smoke.  Remember everything is related.  I started out talking about poo and ended up with a bunch of crap. Kinda makes you wonder eh?
Smoke 'em if ya got 'em!


  1. Well, scooping another creature's poo out of a litter box is better than wrapping a plastic bag around your hand and prying a frozen yard apple from the backyard.
    Man's best friend, indeed.

  2. I admire animals who just crouch down, pinch one off and walk away with pride...no wiping.

  3. On the topic of cleaning up after any pet, who's really the master of whom? I think we've gotten the short end of the stick there, brother. Got to love them, though. And yup, I try to reason my beer drinking with living in a second floor apartment too. If only I had the time to build a slide down to the first floor. Or maybe a fire pole. Which is kinda like a stripper pole. Which I'm sure Lady Gaga has danced on. Hey, you're right. Thought process randomness ending in Lady Gaga.


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